You know, I’d love to think it’s really quaint this artist wants to paint my quim, but I think it’s a trick.
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To the tune of Billy Idol’s White Wedding:

Hey little swine flu what have you done?
Hey little swine flu who’s the H1N1?

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Now that I have sufficiently grossed you out with my last post, I wanted to show you how you can earn some sweet cash with the socks you’re going to wreck while growing your very own crafting toenails.  Uncle Leo? Listen up.

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After hearing a radio commercial for the new Kentucky Fried Chicken campaign for Mother’s Day (Moms Night Off!), Sam turned to me and said, “If someone gave me a bucket of chicken for Mother’s Day, I’d rip his member off, shove it down his throat and pull it out his cornholio.”

Sam has issues.

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Know how when you’re working on something Top Secret, like your blog that your family or co-workers know nothing about, and you just want to keep it private? So you sit hunched over your monitor trying to block the vision of prying eyes. You glace around the room suspiciously scanning for those eyes which are peering in your direction and could maybe even read that address bar from across the room where by getting your blog URI and sharing it with all of Starbucks. The very same Starbucks that your sister-in-law is known to frequent and *gasp* may hear about your blog!?

Fear not dear reader, because this beaut can cure your fear of blogging in public!

Or how about that delish sandwich you picked up from the deli downstairs? You don’t want your boss to see you eating on the job, or gawd forbid a co-worker get a whiff of your scrumptious tuna sandwich and come over to talk about how great your lunch smells and then proceeding to hang around and watch you chew while they ask a MILLION questions even though they KNOW your mouth is full of scrumptious sangwhich.

Hide out peeps. Hide out while sitting at your desk while totally inconspicuous.

Ever not answer your cell because your hand gets cold while walking during those frigid winter months? Just think of the possible calls you could have missed? Dane Cook calling to tell you he wants to be your Baby Daddy? Matthew McConaughey calling to say he’s leaving Camilia for you? You won the Publisher’s Clearing House? How about a publisher wanting to take your tacky blog which makes fun of people’s creations and making it into a coffee table book?

Hey, it could happen. It ALL could happen.

But because your hand would have frozen to the core and you can’t lose your hand because then blogging at Starbucks would be far more difficult to conceal while pounding away at the key board with a stump frozen limb you didn’t answer the phone.

And what about those all too Top Secret passwords which open the gates to your online life? Imagine that Starbucks creeper, spying you from across the room and seeing the magical string of letters, number and symbols you type, then announcing it publicly to the Starbucks crowd at the location your sister-in-law frequents?

Seriously people, Teh Horror!

And instead of cupping your hand over the other while you hen peck out the Magical Password while peering around the room for said Creeper, you could be confident in your password’s safety.

Totally off topic.

What’s with all the Macs everywhere? The universe is taunting me people. UN. FAIR.

Thanks Nicole!

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P.S. Sternlab has some of the funniest and most amazing things. I LOVE IT!! Frankly I think Becky Stern is brilliant and I wouldn’t mind rubbing on her. Just sayin’.