I’m in the process of helping my bestie plan her upcoming nuptials, so I’m always looking for a little something extra to make her wedding extra special.  Thank goodness she has me watching out for her, otherwise she’d be wearing some plain old veil instead of these lovelies:

Holy Gaga Gets Married, Batman!  Through in some gratuitous crotch shots, a handful of dancers, a room full of restraints, and you’ve got her next music video!

Not getting married?  Never fear!  There’s something in this shop for everyone.

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Remember those 1980′s public service announcements that explained that friends don’t let friends drive drunk?  I think the Ad Council needs to start producing those for crafts.

Something like “Friends don’t let friends spend $80 on a bag and three coat hangers.”

Or maybe they just need to make them for the crafters.  The “artist” behind this craftastrophe explains that,

“Art should evoke an emotion and make a statement…you may want to display this lovely piece.”

I’m not sure what emotion I’m supposed to experience when viewing this–Confusion?  Remorse?  Rage?–but I like the crafter’s assumption that the buyer may (or may not) want to display it.

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Today started out as just another typical day in my epic quest to secure my very own unicorn.  And then I found her – the answer to my dreams.  Sort of.  Sadly, $10k is a little out of my range – even if it would score me the sexiest unicorn tricycle in the history of the universe.

*sigh*

Oh Apocalypse, I miss you already.

Awestruck by the obvious brilliance of the shop keeper and hoping to find a more economical solution to my pony pinings, I trolled through the other items available for purchase.  That’s how I came upon this snazzy little getup.

I have to admit I was a little worried about an item entitled “Complete Bearded Oysters Costume for Big Boobie-d Dancers” initially.  The photos confirmed my fears…until I scrolled down to see those bad-ass furry legwarmers.  I mean, those things really pull the ensemble together – don’t you agree?

This costume is completely adjustable, however I have made two different bra sizes. The way you can decide which will fit you is by answering the following question. Are my boobies bigger than a handful? If they are (big cs and so on) than this is the correct costume for your size.

Clever marketing, shop keeper – you completely distracted me.  ARE my boobies bigger than a handful?  Is more than a handful wasted?  Once you pass a certain size, can you really call them boobies?  How does one distinguish between a boob and a boobie?  Just how many crustaceans come in a bearded variety?

My mind whirred with an endless string of questions that YOU initiated with your seemingly innocent little query.  I was so caught up in by boob analysis that I almost didn’t notice THE BAD-ASS FURRY LEGWARMERS AREN’T EVEN INCLUDED.

That’s the only reason I won’t be purchasing my very own Bearded Oysters Costume.  Obviously.

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Elly Lou and her boobies (boobs?) don’t actually like shellfish.

I’m the mother of a two-year old so I know whimsical.  I’m friends with whimsical.  But uh, I. . .just.  Well, I’m having a hard time processing this ensemble:

I have a number of concerns:

1. Why are his hands up by her shoulders when his head is on her tummy?  It looks like Ernie’s being held at gunpoint.  And if that’s the case then what did he do?  So many questions!
2. The description says this comes in sizes S, M, L. Um, anyone who isn’t a stick such as this model should never wear this.  EVER.  Horizontal stripes, boy shorts, thighs that shouldn’t touch, just stop it.  Stop it right now.
3. It is listed for ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS.  I’ll wait a bit while you process how much of ANYTHING ELSE you could get for that kind of money.  If I’m going to spend that much coin on an outfit you better believe it will not be sporting a day glow orange Muppet made of felt, making my belly look like a bulls eye.
4. The blue arc in the crotch area.  Why must extra attention be drawn down there?  Does a free bikini wax come with the romper as well?

Oh a high note, I’m glad the crafter chose not to go with Mr. Rodgers instead.

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Samantha grew up watching Sesame Street but never imagined her writing career would come down to this.

The crafty Twihards seem to be all aflutter from the recent release of New Moon on DVD.  Most of the recent listings seem to involve decapitating the characters.  Is it just me, or is this the perfect example of shrinky-dinks gone bad?

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