Craftastrophe » What Not To Wear Unless You’re Dead

You’ve got a little spinach in your earring

flutter — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 13:35:21 +0000

and now we know what the tooth fairy does with all of those teeth. Also, ew.

Some more like this one:

Nothing Says Sexy Like Dismembered Baby Parts

Renee — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 17:00:35 +0000

I’m beginning to think you people are making this shit to purposefully get on Craftastrophe. This is worse than Katy Perry’s whipped cream bra.

Okay, no it isn’t. But it’s still really fucking weird.

Do you think this is what Courtney Love had in mind when she sang, “I am…Doll Parts…”?

{source}

Renee is at a loss for words.

Some more like this one:

Oh My Stars

Renee — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:00:00 +0000

That’s a pretty good likeness of Caroline Rhea.

Oh, wait–what?

Miley Cyrus?

You are fucking kidding.

{source}

Renee likes her jeans blue.

Some more like this one:

I Think You Mean “AAAAAAH! Hahahaha!”

Renee — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 17:00:45 +0000

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were talking about the ridiculousness of the term “sex positive.” If you’re unfamiliar with it (because you don’t live in the hipster-and-hippie-fied SF Bay) it can mean anything from “I have an open mind about sex” to “I’m a fetish crazy swinger with sex toys mounted to three of my four living room walls.” Basically (as Oleg put it) “I’m not a repressed Christian zealot.” It’s one of those terms that’s inherently unnecessary–who doesn’t feel positively toward sex (apart from the aforementioned repressed religious types)?–but that people have decided they really, really like throwing around. They also like to use it (as previously mentioned) to describe a stupidly wide range of attitudes, which is why it reminds me of another term I’ve come to loathe: objet d’art.

Literally meaning “object of art,” this term has been taken over by anyone and everyone that’s ever made something ridiculous and wanted to make it sound fancy. And since it technically covers a pretty big group of things–any object that you can consider “art,” which is basically any object–people have thrown it around to the point that it’s been rendered absolutely meaningless.

How can I be sure it’s lost all meaning? Because that’s how someone described this garish patriotic explosion, titled “handbeaded AH HA BARRETTE.”

A grown-up “conversation piece… you’re going to be talked about flaunting this “after one’s own heart” object d’art
(It’s classy by it’s own sassy self but it’s a swingy, beady eye catchy standout in a hairdo too!)

I can imagine what people will say when they mention my object d’art (way to know your terminologies!) and I’m guessing most of their statements will be made while giggling behind my back and will probably include things like aren’t there laws about flag desecration? and wearing that barrette does not mean we are going to call you Miss America.

I also love the parenthetical nod being classy. Know what’s classy? Simple shapes in basic shades–black, white, brown. Clean lines. Quality components. Basically, things that are not made of shiny red plastic stars and Fimo clay.

And I can’t fathom what you’re supposed to do with this thing apart from wear it in your hair. I mean, I’d never wear this in my hair because I don’t want to look like I’m vomiting stars and stripes out of my skull, but that write up seems to suggest that there are other options. Am I going to lay it on my desk at work? Should I hang it on the wall? Or maybe it can be like those car testicles and dangle from the underside of my Nissan.

Whatever it is, I’d better be able to do something with it if it’s going to cost me a cool $50.

{source}

Renee kind of hopes somebody buys this.

Some more like this one:

Brought to you by the National Association of Chiropractors…

flutter — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 13:05:44 +0000

At some point, in every Chiropractor’s life, a certain sense of stagnation sets in. They think to themselves, “Self? Whatever can I do to increase my patient load?”

The answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind. It is this:

This $193.00, 412lb, spine jacker, is sure to alleviate that pesky natural curve which has been hounding your cervical spine FOR YEARS. It is one of a kind, you’ll be shocked to learn. But, hell. The brass teapot is not included.

Source

Not the same, but still fun:

Even Corey Hart Wouldn’t Wear These At Night

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 13:01:54 +0000

I’m in the process of helping my bestie plan her upcoming nuptials, so I’m always looking for a little something extra to make her wedding extra special. Thank goodness she has me watching out for her, otherwise she’d be wearing some plain old veil instead of these lovelies:

Holy Gaga Gets Married, Batman! Through in some gratuitous crotch shots, a handful of dancers, a room full of restraints, and you’ve got her next music video!

Not getting married? Never fear! There’s something in this shop for everyone.

MC Hammer fans? You’re covered!

Prince fans? (Also appropriate for Molly Ringwald wannabes.)

Um….I got nothing on this one.

These sunglasses are one of a kind, you cannot find these anywhere else.

Thank goodness for that.

These sunglasses are see through, however please do not wear them while operating machinery or driving.

Because truck drivers and construction workers are the obvious target demographic here.

Thanks Tracey!

{Source}

Elly Lou thinks you should have to have a license to carry a glue gun.

Some more like this one:

And Now, A Public Service Announcement

Renee — Tue, 25 May 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Remember those 1980′s public service announcements that explained that friends don’t let friends drive drunk? I think the Ad Council needs to start producing those for crafts.

Something like “Friends don’t let friends spend $80 on a bag and three coat hangers.”

Or maybe they just need to make them for the crafters. The “artist” behind this craftastrophe explains that,

“Art should evoke an emotion and make a statement…you may want to display this lovely piece.”

I’m not sure what emotion I’m supposed to experience when viewing this–Confusion? Remorse? Rage?–but I like the crafter’s assumption that the buyer may (or may not) want to display it.

The shop profile gives us a slightly more fleshed out perspective on our craftastropher:

“I am a well established fiber artist/designer. I design and create one of a kind apparel and accessories for the decerning. Each piece will grace and enhance the owner. My fascination with fiber began at age nine because I did not want to dress like every one else. While the emphasis is on quality,each piece is beautiful.unique,quirky and completely eye catching.I am in awe of my gift.”

As a decerning member of society, I also don’t want to dress like everyone else–especially this person. If they think that “quality” equals “coat hangers,” I can’t imagine what kind of apparel is coming out of this studio. I’m picturing something like silver overalls with yellow daisies pinned along the straps, or an apron dress with coffee filters hanging off the boobs, or maybe a giant Chevy’s hat peppered with multi-colored piper cleaners and googly eyes. You know, the kind of thing a nine year old would’ve thought was quirky and eye catching back in 1985.

Or maybe this:

It’s kind of sad that this shop exists because it can only mean one thing: this crafter has no friends, because “Friends don’t let friends feel awe over gifts they don’t have.”

{source}

Renee thinks her friends are the best.

Some more like this one:

Colossal Condoms For The College Set

A Beard For Your Oyster (But Your Legs Will Still Get Cold)

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 17 May 2010 13:05:01 +0000

Today started out as just another typical day in my epic quest to secure my very own unicorn. And then I found her – the answer to my dreams. Sort of. Sadly, $10k is a little out of my range – even if it would score me the sexiest unicorn tricycle in the history of the universe.

*sigh*

Oh Apocalypse, I miss you already.

Awestruck by the obvious brilliance of the shop keeper and hoping to find a more economical solution to my pony pinings, I trolled through the other items available for purchase. That’s how I came upon this snazzy little getup.

I have to admit I was a little worried about an item entitled “Complete Bearded Oysters Costume for Big Boobie-d Dancers” initially. The photos confirmed my fears…until I scrolled down to see those bad-ass furry legwarmers. I mean, those things really pull the ensemble together – don’t you agree?

This costume is completely adjustable, however I have made two different bra sizes. The way you can decide which will fit you is by answering the following question. Are my boobies bigger than a handful? If they are (big cs and so on) than this is the correct costume for your size.

Clever marketing, shop keeper – you completely distracted me. ARE my boobies bigger than a handful? Is more than a handful wasted? Once you pass a certain size, can you really call them boobies? How does one distinguish between a boob and a boobie? Just how many crustaceans come in a bearded variety?

My mind whirred with an endless string of questions that YOU initiated with your seemingly innocent little query. I was so caught up in by boob analysis that I almost didn’t notice THE BAD-ASS FURRY LEGWARMERS AREN’T EVEN INCLUDED.

That’s the only reason I won’t be purchasing my very own Bearded Oysters Costume. Obviously.

{Source}

Elly Lou and her boobies (boobs?) don’t actually like shellfish.

Some more like this one:

Rubber duckie not included

Samantha Jo — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:00:13 +0000

I’m the mother of a two-year old so I know whimsical. I’m friends with whimsical. But uh, I. . .just. Well, I’m having a hard time processing this ensemble:

I have a number of concerns:

Why are his hands up by her shoulders when his head is on her tummy? It looks like Ernie’s being held at gunpoint. And if that’s the case then what did he do? So many questions!
The description says this comes in sizes S, M, L. Um, anyone who isn’t a stick such as this model should never wear this. EVER. Horizontal stripes, boy shorts, thighs that shouldn’t touch, just stop it. Stop it right now.
It is listed for ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS. I’ll wait a bit while you process how much of ANYTHING ELSE you could get for that kind of money. If I’m going to spend that much coin on an outfit you better believe it will not be sporting a day glow orange Muppet made of felt, making my belly look like a bulls eye.
The blue arc in the crotch area. Why must extra attention be drawn down there? Does a free bikini wax come with the romper as well?

Oh a high note, I’m glad the crafter chose not to go with Mr. Rodgers instead.

{source}

Samantha grew up watching Sesame Street but never imagined her writing career would come down to this.

Not the same, but still fun:

Shrunken Heads – Glitter Sold Seperately

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 13:10:33 +0000

The crafty Twihards seem to be all aflutter from the recent release of New Moon on DVD. Most of the recent listings seem to involve decapitating the characters. Is it just me, or is this the perfect example of shrinky-dinks gone bad?

Are you on Team Jacob? No problem! The shop keeper likes to decapitate wolves, too.

While the “artisan” doesn’t expressly mention a shrinky dink oven in her list of materials used, I can smell the acrylic melting from here.

Once you’ve purchased a shrunken head necklace for every day of the week, you’ll need somewhere to store your Twilight treasures. Why not this lovely Alice and Jasper Cullen keepsake tin?

The top inside lid features the characters names and a silver glittering heart, which dazzle’s like the vampires do.

Maybe some of that glitter will rub off on Edward’s floating head.

{Source}

Elly Lou flings glitter and hard stinky plastic about at her blog BugginWord.