Craftastrophe » What Not To Wear Unless You’re Dead

Don’t know about you, but I ain’t gonna be cold this fall

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 12:34:35 +0000

From the listing:

… I feel as if I’ve only begun my exploration about the realm of the half-round. Oh yes, more iterations definitely to come.

Can I just tell you? I AM GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION.

Yes. I had to yell. I AM THAT EXCITED!!

Oh, you think I’m joking, don’t you?

I am so NOT joking.

Mmmm. MEAT.

This could only be better if it where Mac n’ Cheese Loaf instead of Olive Loaf.

Pass the mustard!

These are By. Far. the best shawls I’ve seen. I am so over the pashmina and all about the Corndog Cape Shawl.

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Say I Do While Protected From Swine Flu

Karen Sugarpants — Sun, 03 May 2009 13:00:08 +0000

To the tune of Billy Idol’s White Wedding:

Hey little swine flu what have you done?
Hey little swine flu who’s the H1N1?

Hey little swine flu can I eat this can of Spam?
Hey little swine flu Grandpa’s looking gaunt.
Hey little swine flu vomit fun!

It’s a nice day to start again.
It’s a nice day for a swhite swedding.
It’s a nice day to wash your hands.

Hey little swine flu who is it you’re with?
Hey little swine flu can I eat the fish?
Hey little swine flu puke fun (oh yeah)
Hey little swine flu is this all a scam?
Hey little swine flu fever fun!

It’s a nice day to start again (come on)
It’s a nice day for a swhite swedding
It’s a nice day to wash your hands

(Pick it up)

Take me back home

Hey little swine flu what have you done?
Hey little swine flu who’s the H1N1?
I’ve been away for so long (so long)
In Mexico in a thong (in a thong)
You’re making me feel not strong

It’s a nice day to start again (come on)
It’s a nice day for a swhite swedding
It’s a nice day to wash your hands.

There is no pork fair in this world
There is no pork safe in this world
And there’s no pork sure in this world
And there’s no pork pure in this world
Look for clean pork left in this world
Wash your haaaaaaaands!

Come on
It’s a nice day for a swhite swedding
It’s a nice day to wash your hands.
It’s a nice day to wash your hands
It’s a nice day to wash your haaaaaaaaands!

Thanks Kerrie!

{source}

Swine flu is not a joke, but the media has made the swine flu the biggest scare since SARS. Anything to sell advertising, right? If you do the math, you’re more likely to win the lottery than contract swine flu. But still, wash your hands. Wash your kid’s hands. And smack their little hands when they pick their noses. Because that’s just nasty anyway.

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Boyfriend # 11 Just Wants To Get Some Action, Jackson

Karen Sugarpants — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 22:22:00 +0000

Remember the 10 Handmade Item No One Would Be Caught Dead In?

(except for boyfriends just modeling their girlfriends creations so they could get laid?)

Meet, boyfriend # 11.

Now if boyfriend # 11 wants a flash forward of what life will be like when he is married with baby, dressed for work and picks up the baby to kiss it goodbye?

Then he should take a good look at the back of his shirt. Right now:

That is exactly what the back of his shirt will look like in 9 months if he makes that baby batter deposit after his [airquotes] modeling session.[airquotes]

Blech.

Thanks Becky!

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Rico is Suave

For Those Who Hate the Word ‘Moist’

sam {temptingmama} — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:19:51 +0000

I can very much agree with you, now.

Moist never was a word that bothered me much. For some it conjures up images too, um – freaky to post here. Maybe it’s the sound of the word: MOIST. I dunno.

But now, so long as I have an image of this in my brain I will hate the word MOIST.

Because – and I’m sorry, I have to say it – WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

Moist Mother Earth?

Are those maggot-shaped items the ‘abstracted body organs’?

From the listing:

Part Elizabethan gown and part… mushroom bog? It’s Moist Mother Earth, a fiber art/sculpture inspired both by nature and historical costuming.

Um. Ya.

Mushroom bog growing what kind of mushrooms may I ask?

I’ve never been one to elicit very many reactions such as this, and this past day has been alternately alarming, amusing, and illuminating for me.

Alarming? Because of the comments regarding your work of ‘art’?

I think I am alarmed more for you than you could possibly be for me.

Moist Mother Earth is creative melding of Elizabethan clothing, rotting mushrooms, abstracted human body organs, leaves, and other botanical forms.

I just don’t get where ‘rotting mushrooms’ and ‘abstracted human body organs’ come together. Am I missing something? I did take biology class and we covered nothing of the sort.

Is this a dead person? A Zombie?

A royal Elizabethan zombie?

Is the collar supposed to be hair or leaves? Do mushroom bogs have leaves.

I am seriously getting concerned people.

Is that mold on the collar?

Um. Is that even a collar?

OH LOOK! More ‘abstracted body organs’.

Me: “(Son) what does that look like to you?” - he’s three by the way

Him: “Mmmm .. Roast Beef”

Yes. That’s exactly what I was thinking. Roast beef.

I… It… Well… Hmmmm

I am at a loss for words. I am utterly horrifed by this creation.

Not to mention the hefty price tag of 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Seriously? Seriously.

Thanks for sending this one in Adrienne!

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Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:02:38 +0000

Like Joseph’s special dreamcoat of many colours, it makes me want to dance and sing about its many, many colours.

I want this coat more than I want a Snuggie (and that’s A LOT). You’re not going to catch me out to lunch with my family in a Snuggie *snicker*- but this coat?

Absolutely, YES.

There’s something about the coat that just SCREAMS “I wear a turkey for a hat”

OMG.

{ source }

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Sock Monkey Butt Slapping Madness

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:59:31 +0000

Reader Valerie found this little gem and couldn’t help laughing at the ridiculousness of the sock monkey heads on the boob part of the dress. I can just imagine Sam wearing this and trying to breastfeeding her baby. Hope you’re saving for therapy, Mommy!

You really have to love sock monkeys in order to wear something like this. Especially to have the monkey’s gaping maw on your butt while little monkey legs swing around and whack your butt. You’re like shopping along in the mall, hoofin’ it across the food court in your Keds and Sock Monkey Dress and there’s monkey-foot-love all over your backside. Weird.

But then, maybe you’re into that sort of thing. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know that you get all hot and monkified over work socks wrapping your entire body while monkeys slap your a$$. I don’t want to know that you secretly wish your nipples were monkey mouths. Or that you like those hot little monkey ears tickling you up in your cleavage. That’s the stuff CSI episodes are made of.

Imagine trying to go to the bathroom in this dress. You gotta hike up like 45 feet of hot itchy wool up around your waist like a spare tire of yarn and try and teeter yourself over a toilet.

You do realize sock monkeys are made from work socks right? The traditional sock monkey is made from WORK SOCKS. Itchy, hot, wool, work socks. I get hives just looking at this dress. Mostly because I imagine monkified panties under that dress.

*scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch*

Thanks Valerie!

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An Ode To Obama: Happy Inauguration Day

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:52:09 +0000

Today our friends to the south say good-bye to Bush and hello to Change! Fresh! New! Invigorating HOPE!

We Canadians sit idly by, jealous of your comradery, your patriotism, your interest in the fate of your country. (Ask HerBadMother – she’s got a FANTASTIC post about how many of us Canadians feel.)

So Craftastrophe presents an ode to your new President. Congratulations my friends, and here’s to a prosperous four (hopefully eight) year run for Obama.

A shimmering Swarovski Crystal likeness of our President-Elect Barak Obama. Whether or not you voted for him, I think most will agree that “Hope” is in the air. This t-shirt may easily become a collectible.

These are not iron-on transfer crystals. I attach each Swarovski crystal onto the fabric by a hot-fix method. Machine Washing is okay using a delicate cycle & turning inside out. { source }

Oh ya, baby.

Show your support for Barack Obama by sporting one of these adorable wristbands!

In support of the upcoming election, I will donate 80% of the profits directly to the Obama campaign. { source }

How many people at the National Mall are sporting these babies?

I have added our new first family to my multicultural doll family collection. They are made of all natural fabrics, and dressed as they were on the night of the election on November 4th 2008. { source }

A collection of the new First Family – forget Barbie, Ken and their friend Skipper.

This tee is made using spray paint and stencils…. It is coated with screen print extender which allows it to hold up after many washings! { source }

Dood…try and keep the paint within the stencil on my shirt order please.

I just designed this garter because I’m getting so caught up in this Political season.

I found this wonderful graphic red white and blue fabric in just the right scale for one of my favorite garter styles.

I have made the band in blue and added a blue star for the center embellishment.

This would be a fun garter for the politically active DEMOCRAT bride. It would be fun to wear to a Politcal rally as well. { source }

I’d wear these on my biceps, and my thighs.

Order now so you can sport your EXTRA AWESOME OBAMA PIN on Election Day! It’ll still be pretty collectible after this historic election!
I only have a few and I’m not making any more after they’ve sold out!

A dear friend of mine asked if I would make her an enameled campaign pin for her man, Barack Obama.

So I set out to make the most excellent campaign button ever! Ok, well maybe it’s not THE most excellent, but I think it comes pretty close! {source}

The most excellent campaign pin? Um….

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Celebrating Obama Through Craftastrophes

Christmas Vests: Bringing You the Season of Ugly

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:03:52 +0000

We’ve seen some craptastic sweaters, now it’s time for The Vests!

I don’t know that this is a vest as much as it is a sleeveless dress shirt, a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing era.

(Now I have Do you love me? stuck in my head. *link has lots of gyrating hips in it, MNSFW*)

One bit of assvice? The holly ring should meet up at the front of the shirt. I was checking to see if the buttons were done up incorrectly. (But the misaligned holly sure does make the shirt if I do say so myself.)

Poinsettias sprawled out all over your body?! Yes, please. I think the one could only have been better if those two middle ones had been evenly spaced and landed directly on the wearer’s tatas. Man or woman, doesn’t matter.

This shirt was SO much better when I first saw it. That was before I noticed the fish on the snowman’s rod, because before? The snowman was carrying a RIFLE and there were two deer? / moose? / caribou? Deemoosibou (yes, Deemoosibou) roaming outside a tiny little gnome house.

Knitted fanitastic goodness. What could I possibly say that would top a teddy bear wearing a Christmas sweater, knitted on a Christmas vest? Moving on…

If this vest doesn’t scream Redneck enough on its own, what about the wood paneling and perforated wood board? That picture only needs to be either something beer related or NASCAR to make this picture complete.

I may have just died and gone to Heaven. Is that fringe on the bottom of the vest? I believe everything on this vest is attached rather than sewn making them 3D monstrosities items of spectacular Christmassy goodness. And the twinkles? That’s not just your eyes. Those are CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Enough said. I am seriously considering contacting this seller for next year’s vest. I need it.

Nothing could make this thing any better. They’ve even included a delightful Christmas turtleneck which I sure could be included if you asked the seller nicely.

There are no words. Seriously.

{ source – eBay and all its kitschy glory }

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Selling Fetish-wear: A How To

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:00:49 +0000

Just like any other item you sell, it’s important to showcase the fetish-wear. The following is a how-to for showcasing said fetish-wear to entice a buyer.

Using a backdrop to remove distractions and keep focus solely on the item for sale is a smart decision. A solid colour is best and depending on the colour of the item, using white or black as a backdrop is your best best to highlight your item.

Make sure that the item is clean, dust-free and orderly. Nothing screams used or unkempt like dust, disorganized and or missing pieces. People will not be enticed by your garbage if it looks like garbage.

Clear and vivid pictures are a much better way to present the item that’s for sale. Make sure your camera is clean and the image your posting is not blurry or discoloured.

What not to do?

Um.

This….

I have caught myself staring at this creation a couple times. I don’t know why; it’s a freakin’ train wreck. For Realz.

Strike a pose!

HAZZAH!

I can’t stop thinking about the mask. How do you breath in there? Wouldn’t your face get all sweaty and yuck? You have to be a mouth breather in that thing?

Picture it. You’re wanting to do something extra special for your partner. You dress up in this thing, position yourself on the sofa, sip some wine – and mouth breath….

All I can think about is those ski masks….

And.. my work here is done.

Thanks to The Bloggess and Suebob (of course) for this one. Watch your back… I just may be sitting on one of your couches in this sometime near Christmas. Happy Holidays!

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Now, Which One is the Turkey?

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 20:30:22 +0000

I don’t doubt the amount of work that’s gone into this master piece, but HOLY MOLY!

I like turkeys just as much as the next guy: these gobbly fugly birds are fun to get going with fake gobbling through the fence and they taste good – but I never ever thought of them as a the perfect specimen for crafty works of art.

Until this, of course.

Remember The Gullet Mullet?

Just envision your turkey dinner. The family has gathered around the table, awaiting the glorious meal prepared. Grandpa has seated himself at the head of the table after carving the bird, the smell of turkey emanating through out the house….

And SLAMMO!

You come out in this!

The complete ensemble! The Gullet Mullet complete with the turkey tea cozy.

Yes, that GINORMOUS bird is a tea cozy.

It’s like playing Find the Tea Pot Amongst the Turkey Innards.

Your bound to get some laughs attention decked out in this number!

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