I was so excited when I came across the thing I planned to blog for my first Craftastrophe post.  It was horrific.  It was gross.  It was the kind of inexplicable mistake that is the definition of this site.

So imagine my surprise when I finally sat down to compose, and out of left field came this thing’s ugly step-sister.  This thing’s ugly, naked, wart-faced, hunch-backed troll of a step-sister, barreling down on me at top speed with seven bloody, sparkly tampons clutched in her fat, waxy talons.

I give you the “Absolutely Genius Tampon Windchimes Essence of Life Windchimes.”

In addition to having a title that just won’t quit, these wind chimes promise to “remind you why being a woman is so wonderful” (because the best part of any woman’s month is when red glitter pours out of her lady bits).

The chimes feature sturdy bamboo craftsmanship, “100% real tampons,” and “[a] vintage jewelry peice…showcasing the essence of woman.”

Apparently, the “essence of woman” is that cheap necklace you wore in third grade until its fake chain started turning your neck green.

Sure, you could pay $15 for plain ol’ bamboo chimes that clink and, you know, chime in the wind–OR you could pay $25 (plus shipping) for these!

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Renee finds more appropriate uses for glitter at The Brisk Blog.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been such a good girl this year.  What I’d really like is a carousel of Crayola crayons and a couple of dirty colouring books filled with genitalia.  Don’t forget the glitter crayons!

Love, Karen

p.s. I know about glitter.  That’s why I asked.  Someone should tell that dead teenager, Edward Cullen.

Thanks Annette!

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Want an edible thong but aren’t sure what ingredients are safe for your bod?

A little red lace thong made from red lace candy might make his heart race!  And the snot-nosed kid at the Walmart won’t be the wiser when he rings your candy purchase through!  Diabetic comas included with every orgasm.  We give and we give, people.

Knitty.com has the pattern but warns:

Like all fine lingerie, these panties are very delicate. Knit gently. If you need your L-string to last longer than a few hours before use, you will need to keep the panties moist.

They mean vegetable oil, perv-o.

On a somewhat poontastic related note, Deb on the Rocks is requesting Madame T. melt down her Bush for a world-wide Bush Whacking Waxing.  Go see.

Thanks Gisela for the sweet find!

Once in a great while, we sit on a craft, biding our time and waiting until the perfect opportunity to show it to you.  You never know when these things will be released from the Top Secret CraftastaVault, but when they do…they are usually Not Safe For Work/Kids.

This is one of those times.  Especially if your work has a no Unicorn Vagina rule.

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Imagine your Granny opening one of these. My Granny would probably laugh her head off, but that’s because she is The Awesome.
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