Craftastrophe » Y’all Like Mah Vagina Art?

Every Dude’s Worst Nightmare (NSFW)

Renee — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 18:00:00 +0000

What could these lovely young ladies be up to?

Let’s see, they have red hair and pitchers. I wonder what’s in the pitchers. Maybe it’s wine. Maybe, if I’m nice, they’ll let me have some.

OH JESUS NO!

IT’S BLOOD IT’S BLOOD IT’S LADY BLOOD!!!

SHE’S POURING IT FROM HER CROTCH!!!

AHHHHHH!!!

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Renee wishes she could unsee things.

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My Uterus Feels Like A Punching Bag

Kaisermommy — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 20:00:55 +0000

Yep. I’ve said that before. That awesome (sarcasm) uterine massage after having a baby? Yep, that did it.

Uterus Pinata was a new one though.

I adore that the creator is self aware – she knows it’s a little strange – Hell she links to Regretsy in her listing even.

I was a touch disturbed by this mental image:

The Uteriñata is excellent fun for all ages, even toddlers will enjoy the grab-the-string-and-pull action!

I immediately pictured my kid yanking out tampons or whatever and threw up in my mouth a little.

My bigger concern, of course, was just what candy would be most appropriate for inserting into a Uterus Pinata? I was thinking some Werther’s Originals because 1. they look like little cervixes (cervixi? cervipedes?) and 2. no one eats those things anyway.

I told my boyfriend about my dilemma – because candy stuffed uterus is totally normal conversation around here and his IMMEDIATE response was, “Oh totally those gummi lighthouses that really look like penises (penii? penipedes?)

Which is why I love that sick sumbitch.

What candy would you stick in a Uterus Pinata?

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Love Your Creepy Cloth Doll, Love Yourself

Renee — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:47:52 +0000

How’s your nude body image? Feel like you could use a reminder to celebrate diversity in beauty? Want to excite your self esteem? Then I’ve got just the thing!

Exotic Soft Sculpture and cloth dolls are designed to arouse positive nude body image, excite high self-esteem and celebrate diversity in beauty.

How, you ask? Obviously just by being around you! Sit your cloth love doll on a folding stool in your house and admire her long skinny freak legs and short pointy hands! Check out her awesome lumpy body and shiny pillow lips! Snap at her signature sense of style and think, “Mmm hmm, you GO girl!” You’ll be feeling better about yourself in no time, I promise!

But positive nude body image through creepy doll emulation doesn’t come cheap. This diva will run you a cool $3,500–but trust me, she’s worth it. Unh hunh

One diva not enough? Don’t worry, she’s got friends!

Friends for mermaids with poor nude body image!

Small friends that you and your diva can look down for that awesome soft love doll sense of superiority!

Butterflies!

Don’t let the lack of hands fool you, these ladies are ready to get wild!

What about the fellas? Worry not!

And don’t be shy about your angel–even Tupac had a soft love doll!

I’m speaking of course of Tupac Lamour, the famous circus midget with the tiny feet.

But for reals, what do you think this person’s house looks like? This post alone features 12 soft love dolls, and there’s still a bunch more on her Etsy page (and really, you’re missing out if you don’t visit it…). Going to her house must be like attending a pageant for the insane–like the moment in Psycho when you realize that the person in the rocking chair is his dead mother, only times 30, and instead of a rocking chair they’re laid out around the house in casual poses.

Like this one:

Can you handle one more bit of crazy? These dolls are “anatomically correct.” And of course we’re not speaking in the sense of having correctly proportioned bodies (HA!), but in the sense of having penises and vaginas. Which makes them wrong for young children to play with, but

The perfect Sweet 16 gift or coming of age gift for a mature young lady.

A soft cloth love doll? Oh daddy, this is SO much better than a car!

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Renee loves the crazy.

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A Cunning Array of Stunts – NSFW

Renee — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:59:17 +0000

I don’t get vagina art.

I’m not one of those women who’s freaked out by genitals, either–I like my vagina–but it strikes me as immodest to hang your junk out for the world to see. It also seems cruel to force the more prudish people out there, the ones who aren’t even comfortable with their own junk, let alone other people’s, to be unexpectedly confronted with a vagina.

“Oh, hey Sally, what’s that necklace your wearing?”

“Oh, it’s a polymer vagina.”

And I was raised in the SF Bay Area, home of progressive attitudes toward genitalia. So I have to think that there’s some disconnect going on (maybe it’s a result of all the BPAs?) in certain women (and men) that makes them think “art” like this is anything other than unnecessary.

What could it be? Is it a stick figure lady? Is it an apple with arms?

Nope, it’s a vagina!

Not only that, it’s a poorly drawn paper vagina lifting a dumbbell.

Why is this vagina lifting a dumbbell?

Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up for the greatest show on Earth! The magnificent vaginal circus… the Cunt Stunts!!!

There exists a rare circus, somewhere in the world, where the main attractions are vaginas who perform incredible feats! Now, you can bring the cunning array of stunts into your home, to enjoy forever! Get ‘em while they last folks! These ladies won’t be staying around for long!

Oh, I see–because it’s in the circus.

Call me crazy, but when I read about “a rare circus, somewhere in the world, where the main attractions are vaginas who perform incredible feats” it just sounds like you’re talking about a strip club. Or maybe a porno. But definitely not some imaginary cunt circus.

That is just retarded.

But if there were some weirdo cunt circus out there, I’d like to think they’d be able to perform tricks on their own cunty merit. That thing has little arms and legs. That’s totally cheating. If my vagina were going to lift weights, I’d make it do so without the use of extra appendages.

But I digress. My point is, I’m starting to think that there exists a rare circus somewhere in the brain where genitalia strikes a person as the perfect subject matter for a $75 art piece cobbled together with glue and scrap-booking paper. If you look at that shadow box and think “Hey, I’d hang that on my wall,” there is something wrong with you. Seek help.

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Renee is off to lift weights with her vagina.

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Anatomy of my brain being severed right off the stem

flutter — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 02:35:19 +0000

Okay, look. I am as pro-baby rock on with your bad self awesome women who shoot fruit from their nether bits as the next girl. But, dudes. I have my limits.

I HAVE MY LIMITS. These dolls, well these dolls are my limit.

Starts all cute, right? Awwwww, preggo doll getting ready to burst forth a life. Then, well, then there was placenta. See, what happened there was when the placenta, even though it’s just red felt, showed up I heard a loud buzzing and felt a pop. Then I went blind and lost all control of my bladder. So, I am pretty sure that I have suffered a major doll-placenta related stroke.

I went blind before I could even see the snap nipples or to fully comprehend the $130 price tag. Then something started leaking out of my ear at the thought of stuffing that little baby doll back up into the mama doll to relive the birthing experience.

Goodbye, cruel world!

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Not the same, but still fun:

Let the Mounting Jokes Begin

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:57:25 +0000

You know, I think this one pretty much speaks for itself. Technically I suppose it IS hunting season. But really? There’s nothing that makes this ok. Nothing.

Of course it’s mounted on knotty pine. *Sigh*

Now I can’t stop picturing it singing “Take Me To The River” like one of those creepy bass fish gag gifts. Crap. I’m never going to sleep again, am I?

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Elly Lou celebrates free range, hormone free, sustainably farmed vaginas.

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The Holey Vagina Mary

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 13:01:40 +0000

Many people turn to religion to find a warm, safe haven. It doesn’t get much warmer than this, folks.

Click for Uncensored Image

Because everyone should have affordable access to fine art, the artist has issued affordable 8×10 prints for the low, low price of $20. I’m thinking about buying one to replace some of the artwork at the apartment I’m house sitting.

Because I just couldn’t choose between all the horrible potential names for this Craftastrophe, I’ve included them all. Feel free to vote for your favorite in the comments. While you’re at it, you should probably pray for my heathen soul.

Jesus Wuz Here
God’s Playground
Not Just Any Port in the Storm
A Painting of Clitical Proportions
Parting of the Red Sea
Peek-a-boo
Yay Though I Walk Through the Valley of Ew
I Can Haz Labia

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Elly Lou hopes they have a wet bar in Hell.

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“Feminist Mythology”

Renee — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 17:00:49 +0000

Imagery: A toothed vagina with an arm extending from it that is grasping a human heart.

Well, I’m glad you cleared that up, because I really had no idea what I was looking at. A butt with a zipper? Krumm for Aaahh!!! Real Monsters? Some sort of Halloween themed nut cracker?

But now that I know it’s a vagina dentata, I totally get it. I also totally get that you made it look “like an artifact” (see: old and crappy) on purpose, and that it’s worth all $500 that you’re charging for it.

Oh, wait, no–I mean, I totally don’t get it. Feminist mythology my butt zipper.

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Renee doesn’t bite.

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Pumpkin Patch

Renee — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 17:00:08 +0000

Hermann Rorschach was born in 1884. He started showing inkblot pictures to children and analyzing their responses around 1910. In 1921 he published his book, Psychodiagnostik, that formed the basis for the diagnostic ink blot test. From his work, John E. Exner created the Exner Scoring System, which is to this day used with Rorschach’s inkblot tests in criminal investigations and mental health facilities around the world.

The woman who painted this sign might benefit from some Rorschach analysis.

Call me immature, or maybe oversexed, but when I first saw this there was only one word that came to mind and it was not Halloween.

While I wish its creator was a brilliant, devious mastermind who purposefully painted this equivalent of a folk art Rorschach and then posted it on Etsy for $110, I don’t think that’s the case. The rest of her work is whimsical and cute, and she sounds like a lovely, oblivious woman who has no idea that this piece looks like a 1970′s vagina.

I bet she also fails to see the irony of the “Welcome to Sleepy Hollow” sign.

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Renee takes care to trim her sleepy hollow.

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The Bag You Have to Wax

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 13:03:43 +0000

Ladies, how often have you been out in an ensemble completely devoid of pockets and thought to yourself, “Damn, if only my water bottle fit in my vag!” Oh come on, I had it happen twice just in the past week.

Well now you can shove your lipstick, car keys, kazoos, and other daily necessities right on into your special place without having to worry about moisture damage. How on Earth did we manage before the invention of the Shagadelic Purssy Clutch?

Now you can reveal your inner cunt and stash your cell phone in it too!

This clutch was handcrafted from vintage fabric, and looks innocent enough from the outside… Imagine her delight when she opens it up to reveal an anatomically correct vagina! Perfect for the bride-to-be/drag queen/pussy lover in your life.

Screw the bride to be. I think the entire congregation should be toting these bad boys filled with seeds to hurl at the bride and groom as they flee the altar. Imagine the melee as wedding guests start reaching into other peoples’ purssies when theirs run out of seed.

All of a sudden this post sounds like an excerpt from a bad romance novel. Fortunately the Purssy is easily cleaned with a simple mixture of vinegar and water. The only other maintenance necessary is an occasional waxing.

Ahem.

Thanks, Ginger!

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Elly Lou‘s vag also has a satin lining.