Craftastrophe » Y’all Like Mah Vagina Art?

It’s a Special Lady Time on Craftastrophe!

suebob — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 16:05:35 +0000

Personally, I prefer not to think about tampons more than I have to. Apparently I’m in the minority, because there is all kinds of lovely tampon art on Etsy.com.

Give kitty his own play-tampon, complete with felt blood! This may actually be genius, since cats are always dragging real tampons out of the trash and playing with them…

This next tampon is suggested as a gift for ladies who have passed menopause as kind of an honor, but I can think of PLENTY of other people who might need a “Golden Tampon Lifetime Achievement Award”. Let your imagination be your guide.

You may have heard the unfortunate term “Vajazzling” lately. I think this person may have got that idea a little twisted up in their head and put the jewels right on the tampon, bypassing the Vajayjay completely:

Do NOT attempt to use this lest you severely injure your Special Panty Parts.

{Source} Kitty Tampon Toy

{Source} Golden Tampon Award

{Source} Bedazzled Tampon Finger Puppet

Suebob denies writing this post under the influence of PMS.

Not the same, but still fun:

Absolutely Genius

Renee — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:00:56 +0000

I was so excited when I came across the thing I planned to blog for my first Craftastrophe post. It was horrific. It was gross. It was the kind of inexplicable mistake that is the definition of this site.

So imagine my surprise when I finally sat down to compose, and out of left field came this thing’s ugly step-sister. This thing’s ugly, naked, wart-faced, hunch-backed troll of a step-sister, barreling down on me at top speed with seven bloody, sparkly tampons clutched in her fat, waxy talons.

I give you the “Absolutely Genius Tampon Windchimes Essence of Life Windchimes.”

In addition to having a title that just won’t quit, these wind chimes promise to “remind you why being a woman is so wonderful” (because the best part of any woman’s month is when red glitter pours out of her lady bits).

The chimes feature sturdy bamboo craftsmanship, “100% real tampons,” and “[a] vintage jewelry peice…showcasing the essence of woman.”

Apparently, the “essence of woman” is that cheap necklace you wore in third grade until its fake chain started turning your neck green.

Sure, you could pay $15 for plain ol’ bamboo chimes that clink and, you know, chime in the wind–OR you could pay $25 (plus shipping) for these!

{source}

Renee finds more appropriate uses for glitter at The Brisk Blog.

Some more like this one:

Colour Me Confused

Karen Sugarpants — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 12:05:42 +0000

Dear Santa,

I’ve been such a good girl this year. What I’d really like is a carousel of Crayola crayons and a couple of dirty colouring books filled with genitalia. Don’t forget the glitter crayons!

Love, Karen

p.s. I know about glitter. That’s why I asked. Someone should tell that dead teenager, Edward Cullen.

Thanks Annette!

{source and source and source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Knot a Thong

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 19:47:39 +0000

Want an edible thong but aren’t sure what ingredients are safe for your bod?

A little red lace thong made from red lace candy might make his heart race! And the snot-nosed kid at the Walmart won’t be the wiser when he rings your candy purchase through! Diabetic comas included with every orgasm. We give and we give, people.

Knitty.com has the pattern but warns:

Like all fine lingerie, these panties are very delicate. Knit gently. If you need your L-string to last longer than a few hours before use, you will need to keep the panties moist.

They mean vegetable oil, perv-o.

On a somewhat poontastic related note, Deb on the Rocks is requesting Madame T. melt down her Bush for a world-wide Bush Whacking Waxing. Go see.

Thanks Gisela for the sweet find!

Some more like this one:

Craftastrophe: Not Always Rainbows and Unicorns, But We Try.

Karen Sugarpants — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 06:13:22 +0000

Once in a great while, we sit on a craft, biding our time and waiting until the perfect opportunity to show it to you. You never know when these things will be released from the Top Secret CraftastaVault, but when they do…they are usually Not Safe For Work/Kids.

This is one of those times. Especially if your work has a no Unicorn Vagina rule.

Paper mache is one of those ‘arts’ that ranks right up there with playdoh and finger painting, in my book. For me, that was the 70’s. A time of free love. For the adults, I mean. I was like 5. That’s gross. Shut up.

Artist Chris Wayan says:

This sculpture group was inspired by a dream called Lola {? L. O. L. A. Lola…Lo lo lo lo Lola ?}. In it, I witnessed a secret reunion of long-separated unicorns–transparent ghostly unicorns–that turned into a wild party, and then… a unicorn orgy!

But as I sculpted unicorns, one by one, things went their own way–the ghost orgy turned into a playful group of varied mythical creatures, nothing like the dream.

Still, it started with unicorns. Most things do.

Alas, the Unicorn Orgy. Unicorgy? Uniporn? Nevertheless, it’s here and complete with other characters that are further explained on Chris Wayan’s page.

Ummm…alone these things are even creepier. That tongue looks stabby. From the page:

Here’s a sort of satyr who’s part wolf or coyote intead of part goat… {? Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell… ?}

What he stands for may depend on which end you’re looking at! Maybe he’s just lust incarnate, sticking it into any available mouth…
On the other hand, maybe he represents all the dog boys of this world, whose eager tongues have contributed so much happiness to so many girls (and quite a few boys).

Holy Chris Crocker on a Toadstool! Leave Unicorns Alone!!!

Well I guess that’s better. But what is that sticking out of that one’s butt? A TREE?

Oh it is a tree. And fat labia. Alrighty then.

Oh. That’s where the stabby tongue fits in. Paper Mache is so foreign to me.

(sorry. that picture comparison was for redneck mommy. *snort*)

Are you trying to tell me something little licky fairy? Or is your butt-tree causing you pain?

Wow. Just wow.

*No mythical creatures or hobbits were harmed in the making of this Craftastrophe*

Fanks to my kid brother, Joel for the lead. I’m sending a cheque for therapy.

{source}

Some more like this one:

Best Stationary Ever

Karen Sugarpants — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 22:05:08 +0000

Imagine your Granny opening one of these. My Granny would probably laugh her head off, but that’s because she is The Awesome.

Thanks Suebob!
{source}

Some more like this one:

What’s Got Your Panties in a Bunch?

sam {temptingmama} — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:26:31 +0000

Since having my first kid and having my lady bits ripped to shreads I developed an aversion to thongs. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t stand the feeling of fabric all up in my hidey hole.

Cute full bottom underpants are hit or miss, but these?

These? Are AWESOME.

Nothing screams prepubescent little girl like rainbow hearts!

But wait! They get better!

Might be just me, but I don’t necessarily find ass crack to be an appealing feature for many people.

Maybe wedgie-free? Whatever it is. I don’t know how you would ever conceal that huge bow under clothing.

Say no to crack!

Some more like this one:

A Box for Your Box (Read: This title totally sucks, just read the post. Kthxbai.)

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:30:54 +0000

This beautifully handmade wooden treasure box would be a delightful accessory to just about any room in your house.

Adoring screwed on rubber skeleton hands and a crafty hearse decal, offset by a beautiful sateen ribbon, it is just about the most perfect thing to store your heroin and crack pipes sewing accessories; your husband’s television remotes life line; maybe even store your reusable menses paraphernalia.

But, what’s with the pink splotches? Isn’t that a little redundant considering what these things are intended for?

Apparently you’re making a statement with the skull and crossbones.

Dear Menses: I bone you? I death you? I poison you?

(Um. Wha?)

A note from the seller:

These trim and comfortable Nice Knickers AIO (all in one) pads are made up of 1 inner layer of flannel, 2 layers of super thirsty bamboo/cotton fleece and one layer of leakproof PUL and then topped and backed with a soft flannel in a funky “I [skull] YOU print.”

Super thirsty? Gross.

Why yes. The skull does look thirsty. Parched in fact. Almost like death or something.

The wings wrap around your knickers and fasten with professionally applied, super strong resin/plastic snaps to hold them in place.

There are no fiddly inserts to worry about, just snap the pad on and you’re good to go!

Yes! Finally pads for people on the run, just snap and go! *snort*

I have images of fighting those “super strong resin/plastic snaps” while trying, ever so carefully to get this thing off.

*shudder*

Some more like this one:

You Put The Trinkets in The Box

sam {temptingmama} — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 06:00:19 +0000

What is the purpose of a trinket box? What is considered a trinket? Necklaces? Rings? Just small stuff?

Anyway, I digress.

Because whatever it is, it still ain’t going in something like this.

I like funny vag-jay-jay stuff like anyone else (Yes. YOU. You know you love it.) I can’t help it, there’s just something about vag-jay-jay that makes me giggle like a horny little thirteen year old boy.

Well, look at that. A uterus. In your trinket box.

Interesting.

Perfect for your sewing essentials, tampons, condoms, candy, small toys….

Small toys? Small toys, like lady friendly small toys?

Sewing essentials? Um. Okay.

Oh! Hello!

This my friends, is your anatomicaly correct trinket box. To keep your stuff in – like the coasters on the coffee table. Or how about just keeping it on your desk at work with your post its and paper clips?

(I am completely disturbed by the anus, yet oddly drawn to it. Each time I look up from the key board it’s RIGHT THERE staring at me and each time I want to shield my eyes. Gah! The cornhole! AGAIN!)

Some more like this one:

Like The Cheshire Cat, Only Uglier and Scarier

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 23:30:28 +0000

Cheshire cat, you know him right? That creepy psychedelic cat scares the bejeezeus of of little children every year when they watch Alicein Wonderland for the first time. He creeps in the trees taunting poor Alice, skulking around in the bushes like a dirty pervert. A dirty pervert with a 70’s porn star mustache.

(Tell me I wasn’t the only person skeeved out by that cat?)

Because whoever took the time to make these bad boys obviously had some like-on for that cat.

That thing is staring right into my soul.

(They’re just ping pong balls, but still. So. effin. creepy.)

The! Eyes! Eerie and awkwardly spaced.

I am paralyzed by those beady little eyes.

Just looking at it makes me itchy and paranoid. Flashbacks! OH! the Flashbacks!