Once in high school a friend and I were rooting through The Junk Drawer in her kitchen for something which I can’t recall. There was the typical crap – shoe laces, batteries, cards, et cetera, et cetera. I lifted an old birthday / holiday / something card and beneath it? A big ol’ set of dentures.

Is it still considered a set even if it’s only a top or a bottom? Because this one only one pallet of teeth.

After I recovered from the initial shock of Teeth! in a Drawer! I about peed my pants in a fit of giggles.

Why am I telling you about this? Because these reminded me how creepy I find dentures to be

Looks like an innocent pair of dentures, right?

Looks can be deceiving because these bad boys are SOAP.

*blink*

*blink*

*stare*

*blink*

*blink*

Yes. Soap.

*blink*

*blink*

Right now, you’re totally thinking about scrubbing your body clean with a set of teeth, aren’t you?

Yup. You are. I knew it.

What if you had dentures AND denture soap.

Now, wouldn’t that suck to toss this set of chompers in your mouth by accident?

Thanks Jessica!

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I am fasinated with strippers. I don’t know why or what it is, but while in my early college years, and a little after, I as not shy to go to the strip club with girlfriends and watch girls dance.

Strange right?

We used to meet up and go to the local strip club and drink, shoot pool and critque the dancers (because we knew what was going on) until some of the girls complained that they were uncomfortable dancing while there were girls in the house.

Girls dancing on a stage and being ogled by men sitting inches from them have sexual fantasies didn’t creep them out, but the girls in the back playing pool? CREEPY!

I digress.

Because if I were a stripper I would definitely be adding these pasties to my outfit.

Oh Canada!! Now stand at attention gentleman.

Is that a maple leaf or a cross? A sequin cross on a boobie tassel? Oh, the sacrilege.

Hand knitted shell-like shapes with fluff pipe cleaners feathers mock feathers? I can feel my nipples getting itchy and sweaty already.

For your special wedding day on stage, your very own crystallized ta-ta tassels. HOT. Imagine expecting the bride to come down the aisle in a wedding dress, you turn as the music starts, standing and waiting patiently then you see this:

I can tell you this: if I saw some battle axe coming down the aisle with a body like that I’d be running up to her and asking for her secret.

These ones? For the arachnoid lover.

WTF!? Is that a tongue.

What better to lick you with my dear.

But these ones take the cake people. Nothing like a your boos giving you the low down on what’s happening below.

Pasty vaginae for your boobies.

OMG. That even grossed ME out.

Thank Casey from Moosh in Indy for sharing these. You can blame her for my entirely inappropriate post.

{ sources: Canada pasties, knitted pasties, wedding pasties, spider pasties, vagina pasties }

Like Joseph’s special dreamcoat of many colours, it makes me want to dance and sing about its many, many colours.

I want this coat more than I want a Snuggie (and that’s A LOT). You’re not going to catch me out to lunch with my family in a Snuggie *snicker*- but this coat?

Absolutely, YES.

There’s something about the coat that just SCREAMS “I wear a turkey for a hat”

OMG.

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Groundhog Day, the day of the year where we rip a helpless, fat animal from the confines of its warm and cozy hole only to shake it about in freezing cold to see if the sun radiates off its back.

Sounds like I could be describing something entirely different, doesn’t it?

All for human entertainment we subject these useless fat animals to cameras, lights, screams and jeers from throngs of people who surround them hoping for a prediction of a shorter winter.

If you want to know if winter’s going to be shorter, go stand outside and see if your shadow is visible, works the same, no? Silly human.

Know what I’d love to see?

That stupid man dressed in a tux and top hat that gets attacked by a rabid Cujo-like gopher groundhog.

Then I would wear it in my hair.

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Forget a Christmas wreaths. Here’s some for the whole year ’round!

And if that’s not great enough.

I can keep it up all year! Maybe even use it as a nightlight for the kids.

That outta keep them scared sh*tless at night which means they won’t be getting out of bed – and if they do? It goes on their bedroom wall.

It makes you want to raid your kid’s toy box, doesn’t it? Yes. Yes, it does.

No Barbies in the house? No worries!

I’m making this one from all my kid’s crap.

No kids? No trouble; here’s one for you!

You get a double dose of Teh Crazy.

Raid your local paint store for all their chips and you can create wreaths to match every friggin’ room in the house!

Thanks to Tracy Lee and Kristen!

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