Craftastrophe » You Can Stop Making Crafts Now

Get a job. No, a better job.

suebob — Tue, 08 May 2012 22:34:25 +0000

Fingernail hoarding box, topped with real fingernails.

I am a man who has reached his last resort of selling fingernails on the internet. With your generosity, I am hopeful that a man armed with a heap-o-debt, a low to average level of intelligence, and no marketable skills, can achieve the American Dream armed only with a spark of creativity and a soul overflowing with weirdness.

{Source} $1776. No, seriously.

Not the same, but still fun:

Pompon? I thought you said “Tampon”

suebob — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:25:39 +0000

It’s a scarf. Or feminine supplies on a rope. Whichever you need.

{Source} $15 or 50 cents each section from the vending machine in the ladies’ room

PS This woman’s shop has some really beautiful things in it. I’m looking at a scarf or two for myself…

Not the same, but still fun:

Next up? Flying Monkey Wallpaper

suebob — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 13:05:08 +0000

Oh, sure, you home design people are ooh-ing and ah-ing. This charming wooden apple tree bed says “Don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me,” etc. Off to slumber in the fairy tale woods.

For you, I have 2 comments:
1. Some of us will not quickly forget “Wizard of Oz” and those evil apple trees
2. That’s a jungle gym for spiders if I ever saw one

{Source} Somewhat over $12,000 US, plus all the cans of RAID you can fit in your car

Not the same, but still fun:

File under “awesome”

suebob — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:25:03 +0000

Taking a short break from actual Craftastrophes for this:

{Source} $32. Go forth and shop, because you need this.

Not the same, but still fun:

What Nice Big Nipples You All Have!

suebob — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 04:42:31 +0000

The carver seems to have been VERY interested in nipples and belly buttons, no?

The artist describes it as being in “Bridal Ivory n Wedding Clear White” – are they suggesting this would go well with your lovely silk Vera Wang bridal sheath dress? Way to impress the in-laws!

{Source} $75, but if you’re looking for wedding jewelry, I advise sticking to the pearls.

Not the same, but still fun:

Make your own f***ing Craftastrophe

suebob — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 00:40:43 +0000

I don’t often suggest do-it-yourself projects. Sometimes Craftastrophe turns into that, like when intrepid reader Carl Strauser decided to make the Scary Monkey.

But generally, we leave it up to others to make our mistakes for us. Not this time, kiddos. This is a hands-on craft. And legs-on. And…well, you figure out what else is on. You use this, which involves canvas, paint and plastic sheeting:

To get this, or something like it, depending on how you…do it.

You can put it over your bed and say “Honey, remember the last time we had sex? No? It was when we made that painting!”

{Source} $60 and a pre-written fake explanation for your mother-in-law

H/T Kristy from She Just Walks Around With It

Not the same, but still fun:

Putting my feet up

suebob — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:45:33 +0000

Thanks to the people over at Hi-Fructose online art magazine I can just sit here with my feet up and sip my coffee. Because OMG lookie here.

WARNING: (Per intrepid reader Jessica) This site contains pictures that are so odd and disturbing in a really weird (not violent or graphic but WEIRD) that you may never sleep again.

OK, I won’t be sitting with my feet up. I’ll be washing my eyes out. With Pine-Sol*.

*PineSol should not ever be put in your eyes. The claim that I would be putting Pine-Sol in my is a bit of hyperbolic nonsense and a lame attempt at humor. Neither the management or staff of Craftastrophe or its advertisers would ever recommend the administration of caustic chemicals to the eyes, the skin, or other body parts. Your mom would say “You only get one set of eyes, so be careful.”

Not the same, but still fun:

Well, Hello Dolly

suebob — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:04:34 +0000

File under: Things I’ll Never Understand – why do dollmakers so often made dolls that are so…unfortunate-looking? If you have all the materials and tools in a crafts store at your disposal, why do this?

{Source} $120 of Oh Please Make It Stop.

Not the same, but still fun:

Do Not Want. Times One Million.

suebob — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:15:42 +0000

Quick, call PETA. These cats are suffering. SUFFERING!

This is supposed to be for Valentines Day. Does this cat look like he is enjoying his gift of love?

{Source} $16 worth of torture

{Source} $27 worth of Thanksgiving terror more scary than that jello salad your aunt always makes

Crimeny. Cats do not need hats with fake ears. Why? Because CATS HAVE EARS ALREADY, YOU MORON.

{Source} $15

Did you know I’m a pet psychic? Yes, and I’m SO good I can tell what animals are thinking just by looking at their photographs. This cat in a long-eared bunny hat is thinking “I DON’T FIND THIS STUFF AMUSING.”

{Source} $18

Not the same, but still fun:

And then Balthazar piddled on the manger

suebob — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 15:11:33 +0000

I’m hearing that “Jingle Dogs” music in my head. A whole Dachshund nativity set:

{Source} $85. Fleas navidog, everyone.