Craftastrophe » Podunk Pottery

I wanna be just like Flava Flav

sam {temptingmama} — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:00:36 +0000

I just can’t think of one occasion for where this may be suitable.

Guess that just makes me a straight edged stick in the mud, because really? I mean. You could wear mold just about anywhere. Right?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s cute, and well crafted; just… uh…. WHY?

I just can’t decide if it’s the moldy bread or the intestinal tract I like better.

Another thing…When I first read the dimensions I saw 4.5 and immediately thought inches (even though it’s actually centimeters) – and 4.5 inches? THAT’S HUGE. You’d be walkin’ around like Fava Flav with those intestines dangling from a gaudy chain.

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Then you could be all: FLLLAAVVVVAAA FLAAAAV. But not.

P.S. Flava Flav is 50!!!?! WTF!?

P.P.S. I feel old.

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Deep Squat, My Eye!

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:30:20 +0000

Perusing some of the older submissions I came across this. At first I thought it was just some weird polymer head with a goofy grin and funny eyes.

Then I read the description and choked on my water then spit it all over my computer.

Someone owes me a clean computer.

Heed the warning, people. Heed!

From the listing…

This is a strong mama & not for the timid. She is crowning in a deep squat, known to be an optimal position for birth, utilizing both gravity and a wide open pelvis to bring her baby strongly into the world. She refuses to be drugged, cut open, or forced onto her back in a pose of subservience. She takes charge of her birth & she’s doing it HER WAY. She is as anatomically detailed as I could manage, complete with labia, nipples & clitoral hood.

Holy feminist Batman!

Guess that makes me a push over man servant. Ah well. Can’t win ‘em all, can we? No sense in getting my labia all bunched up.

I will not make her less detailed.

How’s that for standards!?

Thanks Carolyn!

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I Tend to Carry on About Stuff I Know Little About

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:45:14 +0000

When I think of mermaids, I think of Madison from Splash, even Ariel from The Little Mermaid; but wall art with an oversized, over embellished mermaid? Not so much.

Can I just say that her pouty pee-pee sucker lips got me a little freaked out.

And her hair? What is with the hair? Are those seams from her grown out weave?

Let’s take a look at the whole picture, shall we?

An homage to mixed media art (read: all the crap this person could find, melded into art a la resin), this mermaid art is described as:

“Swim With Me” 3D mermaid wall art

A beautiful orange and teal green mermaid drifts lazily through shallow waters. A singular gold fish follows her, hoping to discover some secret treasures…

This piece is an original, one of a kind 3D wall hanging. I have hand sculpted the mermaid from polymer clay; her facial features were hand painted with acrylic paints.
Other media includes resin, glass beads, assorted fibers and ribbons, hand made papers, and watch gears. Tail is slightly poseable.(sic)

Dude, check out the freakishly large hand! All the better to stroke the fish with, my dear.

(I have no idea where that came from. Do mermaids even like fish? Ariel likes Flounder, but is that because he’s her buddy, or do they eat fish? Ad if they don’t eat fish, what do mermaids eat?)

(Listen to me – it’s like I think mermaids are real or something.)

(It’s entirely possible I *may* have had too much caffeine today.)

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Blind Date

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:47:46 +0000

When I was 14, my friends set me up on a blind date through a weird teen phone service that was somewhat popular in Toronto. I talked to Bill on the phone a little, then we agreed to meet at the mall.

When I spotted Bill, he also spotted me at the same time. I looked him up and down as he marched right up to me and said, “Hi my namesh Bill. Howshhit goin’? Ish shore name Karen?”

Being the shallow girl I was, I said “No,” and turned on my heel.

True story. No idea what made me think of that. Weird.

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My Cervix Feels Tingly Looking at This

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:45:54 +0000

Somehow it reminds me of childbirth.

Old Mom Donald had a kid,
E-I-E-I-O
And cuz of that kid, she got a Frankenvulva,
E-I-E-I-O
With a labia here
And a labia there
Here a labia, there a labia, everywhere a labia….

See? AWKWARD. I don’t know why this skeeves me out so bad! But it does, it does.

Hmm…. Maybe it’s meant to store your Benoit Balls?

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Fern

Karen Sugarpants — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 02:41:47 +0000

When I was 17, I worked as a nursing student in a geriatric residence. It was delightful, for the most part. There were many people who were very happy to have me speak with them, many who enjoyed the company of somebody, anybody. One day, a resident grabbed my hand as I passed, so I crept back a few steps and crouched down to speak to her.

“Where is my sister?” she said, gingerly.

The burly old woman beside her piped up, “She’s dead, Ethel.”

The woman who grabbed my hand looked down into her lap. “Oh,” she said quietly, then looked up at me as if I could tell her any different.

I took a breath in, about to tell her I was sorry when she smiled at me and said…

“Again?”

The point of this story? Don’t leave your Granny in a home to forget you. It’s like Death’s Waiting Room and it smalls like Old Spice and tapioca. She’ll be turned into a planter.

Call your grandmother, today.

This concludes your guilt trip for this week. You may unpack your bags now.

Thanks Suebob!

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Is That a Roll of Quarters in Your Pocket, or My Baby?

sam {temptingmama} — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:30:20 +0000

Being a new mom is never easy. The fatigue, the sleepless nights, constant feedings. It’s enough to make even the most sane person go nuts. Trust me. I’m living it this very moment.

I guess I can be thankful that I don’t look like this:

Mommy’s was antiqued and then part of it was scrapped off to give her face some age…

Antiqued and then SCRAPPED off!? There’s aging gracefully then there’s SCRAPPED OFF.

These make great desk or shelf sitters. This one would be great to give to a new Mommy or use as a center piece at a shower…If you want to set one of these on the very edge of a shelf with the legs hanging off, you will need to put a bit of weight in the coin wrapper, I just drop a few tiny rocks inside the wrapper, that is enough to give it stability.

HAHAHAHA put rocks inside the coin wrapper. Rocks? My first thought: Um. How about DIMES. Then I laughed until I cried. Then I had to pee.

Blame it on the fatigue.

Oh well, off to scrape another layer off my face.

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