Craftastrophe » Penis Paraphernalia

Look, kids, more “statement” jewelry

suebob — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 13:56:11 +0000

Now the statement has moved from the necklace to a ring…a ring that looks suspiciously like a tortured, mutated, crocheted set of male genitalia. Or is it just me?

{Source} $95 and the sneaking suspicion you’ve been punked.

Not the same, but still fun:

Mature art for the immature Craftastrophe reader

suebob — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:24:30 +0000

Well of course it is a work of art about power issues. We could have a mature discussion about that, sure, but who do you think we are? Around here at Craftstrophe, we’re about 2 weeks past thinking farts are hilarious, so what do you think we’ll make of this?

This piece deals with issues of power. The viewer is ultimately supposed to feel a sense of intrigue and repressed giddiness. It is a struggle between picking it up and going through with using it. Ideally I want the viewer to handle it and have fun with it but i want the weight of the piece to remind them what the topic is about.

I just have to say what my mom would say: “Be careful where you point that thing.”

{Source} $1500 takes it

Some more like this one:

An NSFW Farewell

Renee — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 17:00:38 +0000

This will be my last contribution to this lovely blog. And for my final Craftastrophe post, I of course wanted to find something good. Something indicative of my experience as both a Craftastrophe writer, and reader. Something that would celebrate the site, and all its disturbing, unnecessary, and ridiculously poorly made crafts.

What could Grandma be holding?

Is it a faceless rabbit?

A tampon wind chime?

Maybe a bloody onesie?

Nope! It’s the old standby–a yarn penis koozie!

Happy crafting, world!

{source}

Renee will miss you.

Some more like this one:

Love Your Creepy Cloth Doll, Love Yourself

Renee — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:47:52 +0000

How’s your nude body image? Feel like you could use a reminder to celebrate diversity in beauty? Want to excite your self esteem? Then I’ve got just the thing!

Exotic Soft Sculpture and cloth dolls are designed to arouse positive nude body image, excite high self-esteem and celebrate diversity in beauty.

How, you ask? Obviously just by being around you! Sit your cloth love doll on a folding stool in your house and admire her long skinny freak legs and short pointy hands! Check out her awesome lumpy body and shiny pillow lips! Snap at her signature sense of style and think, “Mmm hmm, you GO girl!” You’ll be feeling better about yourself in no time, I promise!

But positive nude body image through creepy doll emulation doesn’t come cheap. This diva will run you a cool $3,500–but trust me, she’s worth it. Unh hunh

One diva not enough? Don’t worry, she’s got friends!

Friends for mermaids with poor nude body image!

Small friends that you and your diva can look down for that awesome soft love doll sense of superiority!

Butterflies!

Don’t let the lack of hands fool you, these ladies are ready to get wild!

What about the fellas? Worry not!

And don’t be shy about your angel–even Tupac had a soft love doll!

I’m speaking of course of Tupac Lamour, the famous circus midget with the tiny feet.

But for reals, what do you think this person’s house looks like? This post alone features 12 soft love dolls, and there’s still a bunch more on her Etsy page (and really, you’re missing out if you don’t visit it…). Going to her house must be like attending a pageant for the insane–like the moment in Psycho when you realize that the person in the rocking chair is his dead mother, only times 30, and instead of a rocking chair they’re laid out around the house in casual poses.

Like this one:

Can you handle one more bit of crazy? These dolls are “anatomically correct.” And of course we’re not speaking in the sense of having correctly proportioned bodies (HA!), but in the sense of having penises and vaginas. Which makes them wrong for young children to play with, but

The perfect Sweet 16 gift or coming of age gift for a mature young lady.

A soft cloth love doll? Oh daddy, this is SO much better than a car!

{source}

Renee loves the crazy.

Some more like this one:

There’s Nothing Sexier Than Necrosis

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 12:57:03 +0000

Look kids, the zombie thing has officially gone too far. I like daydreaming about the undead as much as the next gal, but those dreams are never wet dreams. But obviously there’s someone out there who dreams of riding a zombie like the pony they never had. Why else would they bother to hand paint zombie dildos?

Zombi: All it wants is your warm human flesh. A bloated, rotting, pustulant abomination. Choose from a variety of festering colours.

Oh well, when you put it that way I can hardly wait to shove a rod of rotting, decaying flesh into my…dresser drawer.

{Source}

Thanks, Chrystally!

Elly Lou thinks there are some things that just shouldn’t be reanimated.

Some more like this one:

“Madmen” Penis Painting

Cat Rocketship — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 13:35:24 +0000

This one’s nice because I don’t have to blur it out. As the seller says, it’s an abstract painting, and “In the style of Mad Men era graphic design, everyone sees something different in abstract art.”

Yeah, but that’s a dick.

{Source}

Cat Rocketship is an artist, and has made her share of phallic paintings.

Some more like this one:

For External Use Only

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:57:28 +0000

Tired of cats? Are dogs just too “ordinary” for your taste? Do you refuse to try and build a trusting relationship with a goldfish? Well, boy have I got the pet for you.

I like to call him Brian. (You know, after the Tom Cruise character in Cocktail? It just seems appropriate somehow.) If you’d like to view the unedited version of this wriggling beast, click here.

Just look at those cute little freckles! He’s like a tiny shar pei puppy! With a drooling problem. And glitter. And one eye.

You’ll definitely want to get this little guy spayed and into obedience training right away.

Thanks Gigi!

{Source}

Elly Lou can’t help but wonder what you’d feed that thing.

Some more like this one:

He asked for it

suebob — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 17:00:04 +0000

He asked for this? He really did?

My inspiration for this pattern was a request from a man that wanted something new and fun to wear. He was delighted with the outcome and I believe your man will be, too.

Make some up for the Valentine in your life. Make them for fun. Make them for profit if you want to. Or, just make them for you.

Somehow that sets off my BS detector. Every man I know would rather let Perez Hilton wax their legs than wear something like this. But maybe that’s just out here on the West Coast. Men in Oklahoma City are probably begging for crocheted jockstraps. You know how that humidity gets to you. This would at least alleviate the dreaded “sticking to the leg” problem.

Please note that this is just a pattern, not the item. Twig and berries not included.

{Source}

Suebob is going to crochet some of these and send them to her favorite World Cup players. A cup for the cup.

Not the same, but still fun:

Pussy Loves Prick ….

KimT205 — Fri, 21 May 2010 12:00:39 +0000

Well gee, who doesn’t ?

Unfortunately for us bipeds – ” Although this penis is lifelike, it is not intended for peeing, making babies or any other lifelike uses. Novelty only. ”

Darn.

But damn that kitty’s one lucky bitch !!

The perfect toy for your puss to play all day long with.

This kitty toy has been sewn with love, by a cat lover. The shaft of the penis is stuffed with a fabric pouch of catnip. Every seam was double stitched for strength, so to allow for maximum pussy play. The head of the penis has no raw edges for kitty safety.

Humans like to watch – and that is a good thing, since the “Pussy Loves Prick” toy should not be played with without human supervision. Much care is taken in the making of this toy – but should your kitten, in the ravages of passion, tear into her plaything, please, no matter how cruel it seems, use the proper precauctions in caring for your pet, and discontinue use if it becomes a saftey hazard.

Stuffed with Organic Catnip ! Who said the insides of these things weren’t good for ya ?!

It’s a threesome !!

Meow Meow indeed !

I can only imagine what the dog is feeling.

{source}

Kim has no cats, she prefers to have all of the penis for herself.

Not the same, but still fun:

every man’s dream…every woman’s nightmare NSFW

flutter — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 16:01:30 +0000

CAUTION!! WARNING!! BEWARE!! This post contains:

Which, could also be misconstrued as immature content, depending on the day, the audience, or how tightly you’re wound. As you can see by the handsome young gentleman above, with the shapely legs…he has a secret. His secret was revealed during middle school algebra when he was called to the board to solve for x. This young man was the superhero known as…

You must click the picture to see the NSFW image

Superpeen! Superpeen, complete with stringy pubes, striking fear into the heart of genitals everywhere. An obvious ode to the Napoleon complex, Superpeen can be yours for the totally not insane and utterly reasonable price of $9,999.00!

Spritely young man with the shapely legs not included

{source}

flutter writes about the Superpeen here. But not really.