The question comes to mind: Steve Martin – frightened, constipated, or both? Please leave your answers in the comments section.

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Suebob has a high-fiber breakfast cereal recipe that can cure all that.

Just what everyone needs. A horse head. A really, really BIG horse head.

As so often happened when I was looking at photos to contribute to the hilariously obscene website Desperately Seeking Something (NSFW!), I became focused on the background more than the star of the show.

WHAT is going on in this house, people? Is it a hoarder house or a crazy artist house or just a terminal case of terrible bachelor housekeeping?? Inquiring minds want to know.

(No description of the artwork is given, but it is $1450 and I think it has something to do with Mardi Gras).

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Suebob prefers her animals life-sized. Or smaller.

That’s right–today is my birthday.

My 30th birthday.

And to commemorate this momentous occasion, I’ve found not one, not two, not three (which would make more sense) but FOUR awesomely bad crafts for your tastrophe, all of which feature the number 30 in their titles.

Number 1: The 30-inch bar wreath.

Photographed beside a wood stove to give you a better idea of its dimensions, this wreath of old bar trash promises to be “a great addition to any house that it hangs in.”  And for $10,000, it’d better be!

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Okay, look. I am as pro-baby rock on with your bad self awesome women who shoot fruit from their nether bits as the next girl. But, dudes. I have my limits.

I HAVE MY LIMITS. These dolls, well these dolls are my limit.

Starts all cute, right? Awwwww, preggo doll getting ready to burst forth a life. Then, well, then there was placenta. See, what happened there was when the placenta, even though it’s just red felt, showed up I heard a loud buzzing and felt a pop. Then I went blind and lost all control of my bladder. So, I am pretty sure that I have suffered a major doll-placenta related stroke.

I went blind before I could even see the snap nipples or to fully comprehend the $130 price tag. Then something started leaking out of my ear at the thought of stuffing that little baby doll back up into the mama doll to relive the birthing experience.

Goodbye, cruel world!

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Remember when Alice took the acid and bit the head off the White Rabbit?

I’m afraid someone is going to put LSD in the eggnog and then we are going to have our white elephant gift exchange and I am going to get this:

And I’ll start screaming FEED YOUR HEAD! FEED YOUR HEAD!

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Suebob sleeps with the lights on.