If you hadn’t already noticed, Halloween is a perfect storm of costume and decoration Craftastrophicness.  There are awful outfits, terrifying centerpieces, taxidermied wildlife, candy treat gross outs and the unforgettable horrifying dolls.

Like this one!

You know how good horror movies are scary because they have great special effects, nuanced performances, and enough creepy music to make you truly anxious straight through to the climax?

This doll is not like those movies.

This doll is like the other kind of horror movies, the kind that are scary only because they’re so bad, so poorly made, that they make you wonder about the aggregate level of sanity of the people responsible for making them.

It’s almost enough to send you into an existential conundrum, if not for the frosted edges.

{source}

Renee no longer plays with dolls.

You have to wonder what your life is coming to when you have a reason to enter the word “turd” into an Etsy search engine.

You also have to wonder what it means when a) you get results, plural and b) one of those results is Twilight inspired turd key chains.

My favorite part of this listing, though, is definitely the creator’s description, which is almost enough to make me forgive their bad taste:

You will notice that Ed-turd is a little paler and he sparkles!

Yes.  Yes he does.

{source}

Renee usually likes things that sparkle.

Imagery: A toothed vagina with an arm extending from it that is grasping a human heart.

Well, I’m glad you cleared that up, because I really had no idea what I was looking at.  A butt with a zipper?  Krumm for Aaahh!!! Real Monsters?  Some sort of Halloween themed nut cracker?

But now that I know it’s a vagina dentata, I totally get it.  I also totally get that you made it look “like an artifact” (see: old and crappy) on purpose, and that it’s worth all $500 that you’re charging for it.

Oh, wait, no–I mean, I totally don’t get it.  Feminist mythology my butt zipper.

{source}

Renee doesn’t bite.

Custom, acrylic painting done on canvas board from an ultrasound photo. Since it is from an ultrasound photo, it will be somewhat abstract and surreal in appearance, but will still capture the joy of expecting a baby. Just e-mail me a photo and tell me which color you would like. The one shown here, is in monochromatic green with metallic yellow to add warmth and depth. If you have several favorite photos, send them all, and I’ll pick one. The painting can usually be done within a weekend’s time and I can ship it when it dries.

The joy of expecting a baby?

Warmth and depth?

How does this creepy goblin exhibit any of those things?!

I can only imagine the sheer terror on my mother’s face if one day fatty pregnant me rolled up with this horror in tow. It would be second only to her look of disappointment upon learning that not only did I order this monstrosity, I paid $85 for it.

{source}

Renee hopes never to have anything like that growing inside of her.

Oh the haunting beauty of a young girl…

after the flesh has rotted off her face.

Suitable for both pedophiles and necrophiliacs.

{Source}

Suebob doesn’t sleep well at night.