Craftastrophe » Lady Bits and Pieces

Christmas Shopping: For Your Pervy Uncle

suebob — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 16:19:58 +0000

Well, hello there

I think this may be a Major Award.
{Source} $5500

Not the same, but still fun:

Every Dude’s Worst Nightmare (NSFW)

Renee — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 18:00:00 +0000

What could these lovely young ladies be up to?

Let’s see, they have red hair and pitchers. I wonder what’s in the pitchers. Maybe it’s wine. Maybe, if I’m nice, they’ll let me have some.

OH JESUS NO!

IT’S BLOOD IT’S BLOOD IT’S LADY BLOOD!!!

SHE’S POURING IT FROM HER CROTCH!!!

AHHHHHH!!!

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Renee wishes she could unsee things.

Some more like this one:

Super Pregnant, Super Gross (Slightly NSFW)

Renee — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:00:33 +0000

My friend Stephanie is super pregnant. With her baby shower coming up this month, and her due date growing ever closer, I’ve got babies on the brain. And (as evidenced by last week’s bloody onesie) that’s not a good thing, because the craft world has proven a scary place for infants.

Take today’s monstrosity, for example:

Yeah, I wouldn’t be able to figure out what that was if I were you either. But read on…

Aren’t you so bummed you clicked the “Read More” link?

Pregnant Woman… expressed in a marbled, frosted pink. I have designed her in such a way that you are able to “peek” at the tiny baby inside her. Accented with swirls of vine, leaves and roses. So sweet!

I’m not sure “sweet” is exactly the word I’d use for this.

“Disturbing.”

“Horrific.”

Even simple old “tacky.”

But never, ever sweet.

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Renee is glad pregnant women don’t glitter.

Some more like this one:

Hello Kitty

KimT205 — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 13:00:14 +0000

Still looking for that perfect Valentine’s Day gift? Who wouldn’t want vagina on a string?

I don’t think I’ll be chewing gum anytime soon though.

But I do totally love the name Quite Cuntrary.

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Kim prefers her jewelry without pubes.

Some more like this one:

You Put The Trinkets in The Box

Love Your Creepy Cloth Doll, Love Yourself

Renee — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:47:52 +0000

How’s your nude body image? Feel like you could use a reminder to celebrate diversity in beauty? Want to excite your self esteem? Then I’ve got just the thing!

Exotic Soft Sculpture and cloth dolls are designed to arouse positive nude body image, excite high self-esteem and celebrate diversity in beauty.

How, you ask? Obviously just by being around you! Sit your cloth love doll on a folding stool in your house and admire her long skinny freak legs and short pointy hands! Check out her awesome lumpy body and shiny pillow lips! Snap at her signature sense of style and think, “Mmm hmm, you GO girl!” You’ll be feeling better about yourself in no time, I promise!

But positive nude body image through creepy doll emulation doesn’t come cheap. This diva will run you a cool $3,500–but trust me, she’s worth it. Unh hunh

One diva not enough? Don’t worry, she’s got friends!

Friends for mermaids with poor nude body image!

Small friends that you and your diva can look down for that awesome soft love doll sense of superiority!

Butterflies!

Don’t let the lack of hands fool you, these ladies are ready to get wild!

What about the fellas? Worry not!

And don’t be shy about your angel–even Tupac had a soft love doll!

I’m speaking of course of Tupac Lamour, the famous circus midget with the tiny feet.

But for reals, what do you think this person’s house looks like? This post alone features 12 soft love dolls, and there’s still a bunch more on her Etsy page (and really, you’re missing out if you don’t visit it…). Going to her house must be like attending a pageant for the insane–like the moment in Psycho when you realize that the person in the rocking chair is his dead mother, only times 30, and instead of a rocking chair they’re laid out around the house in casual poses.

Like this one:

Can you handle one more bit of crazy? These dolls are “anatomically correct.” And of course we’re not speaking in the sense of having correctly proportioned bodies (HA!), but in the sense of having penises and vaginas. Which makes them wrong for young children to play with, but

The perfect Sweet 16 gift or coming of age gift for a mature young lady.

A soft cloth love doll? Oh daddy, this is SO much better than a car!

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Renee loves the crazy.

Some more like this one:

A Cunning Array of Stunts – NSFW

Renee — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:59:17 +0000

I don’t get vagina art.

I’m not one of those women who’s freaked out by genitals, either–I like my vagina–but it strikes me as immodest to hang your junk out for the world to see. It also seems cruel to force the more prudish people out there, the ones who aren’t even comfortable with their own junk, let alone other people’s, to be unexpectedly confronted with a vagina.

“Oh, hey Sally, what’s that necklace your wearing?”

“Oh, it’s a polymer vagina.”

And I was raised in the SF Bay Area, home of progressive attitudes toward genitalia. So I have to think that there’s some disconnect going on (maybe it’s a result of all the BPAs?) in certain women (and men) that makes them think “art” like this is anything other than unnecessary.

What could it be? Is it a stick figure lady? Is it an apple with arms?

Nope, it’s a vagina!

Not only that, it’s a poorly drawn paper vagina lifting a dumbbell.

Why is this vagina lifting a dumbbell?

Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up for the greatest show on Earth! The magnificent vaginal circus… the Cunt Stunts!!!

There exists a rare circus, somewhere in the world, where the main attractions are vaginas who perform incredible feats! Now, you can bring the cunning array of stunts into your home, to enjoy forever! Get ‘em while they last folks! These ladies won’t be staying around for long!

Oh, I see–because it’s in the circus.

Call me crazy, but when I read about “a rare circus, somewhere in the world, where the main attractions are vaginas who perform incredible feats” it just sounds like you’re talking about a strip club. Or maybe a porno. But definitely not some imaginary cunt circus.

That is just retarded.

But if there were some weirdo cunt circus out there, I’d like to think they’d be able to perform tricks on their own cunty merit. That thing has little arms and legs. That’s totally cheating. If my vagina were going to lift weights, I’d make it do so without the use of extra appendages.

But I digress. My point is, I’m starting to think that there exists a rare circus somewhere in the brain where genitalia strikes a person as the perfect subject matter for a $75 art piece cobbled together with glue and scrap-booking paper. If you look at that shadow box and think “Hey, I’d hang that on my wall,” there is something wrong with you. Seek help.

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Renee is off to lift weights with her vagina.

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I’m Probably the Worst Possible Person to Write this Post, Because I’m Bound to Piss Someone Off

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 14:00:08 +0000

I have never, ever, EVER understood the appeal of Hello Kitty.

Ever.

I mean, look at her. Even as a little girl, I didn’t get it when the preppy girls in my class would ohh and ahh over Hello Kitty erasers and pencils and pencil cases and whatever else they could get their mitts on that had that boring white cat on it.

I liked Garfield. Garfield was sarcastic.

I liked Tom, of Tom and Jerry. He had drive, spunk and a mean streak.

Hello Kitty just sits there.

You know what else I don’t get? Fetuses. I didn’t ohh and ahh over any of my pre-half-time ultrasounds. After 20 weeks I noticed my oldest was sucking his thumb and had feet. I was cool with that.

Anyway, you know what I don’t get today?

Hello Kitty Fetus.

WhatThaFack?

Thanks Audrey!
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Not the same, but still fun:

Think I Could Buy These Awesometastic Jeans for my Manly Man?

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 04:29:29 +0000

Sure I could.

But would he wear them? Maybe if I promised him what’s pictured here, I suppose…

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Not the same, but still fun:

Judy Blume did NOT write about this.

flutter — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 04:12:57 +0000

Oh our menstrual rites of passage. The cramping, the bleeding, the childbearing! But if I could only have a special place to keep track of my menses. With delightful graphics (which are oh so graphic) to remind me what a total pain in the ass my period is!

OH BUT LOOK!

Yes kids, even Princess Leia bleeds. And evidently forgets to wear a tampon. I wonder if there is a reminder in any of these delightful Menstrual Lunar Calendars, which will remind me to run to the drug store and buy supplies?

It does not appear so. But apparently, this girl has some big time bloat going on. Her legs are usually totally proportionate to her feet.

She looks a little pissed. But I guess I am a little grumpy when I overflow all over the floor, too. I guess I’ll just put on my fallopian tube tee shirt and mark this day in my calendar.

Source

thanks, Amanda!

Not the same, but still fun:

Anatomy of my brain being severed right off the stem

flutter — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 02:35:19 +0000

Okay, look. I am as pro-baby rock on with your bad self awesome women who shoot fruit from their nether bits as the next girl. But, dudes. I have my limits.

I HAVE MY LIMITS. These dolls, well these dolls are my limit.

Starts all cute, right? Awwwww, preggo doll getting ready to burst forth a life. Then, well, then there was placenta. See, what happened there was when the placenta, even though it’s just red felt, showed up I heard a loud buzzing and felt a pop. Then I went blind and lost all control of my bladder. So, I am pretty sure that I have suffered a major doll-placenta related stroke.

I went blind before I could even see the snap nipples or to fully comprehend the $130 price tag. Then something started leaking out of my ear at the thought of stuffing that little baby doll back up into the mama doll to relive the birthing experience.

Goodbye, cruel world!

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