Craftastrophe » Jewelry Not Found in Great Aunt Mary’s Vanity

Idiots: Unite!

Renee — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:00:21 +0000

Have you ever looked into your jewelry box and thought to yourself, “I wish my accessories had something to say!”?

Did you want that thing to be, “I am an idiot with too much money”?

If so, your dream is about to come true!

Introducing the “Pearly Sleeping Beauty Collage Statement Necklace” from CandyBellaJewelry!

CandyBella’s “highly collectible couture art pieces” are made from “vintage estate jewelry that’s been revamped and glitterized, and tonnnnns of swarovski crystals and glass beads,” allowing you the rare opportunity to broadcast your idiocy to the world at full volume for only $150!

The visionary behind CandyBella, Kati, is a “self-proclaimed ‘glamour addict’” whose definition of “glamour” includes stars, hearts, and “her favorite adhesive, the same formula used in the world’s best surfboard repair shops.”

Her long-winded profile contains a fairytale mess of insights into her creative process, like this Swarovski gem: “Tiny multi-colored glass finishing beads the size of sand grains are what Kati calls the “cupcake sprinkles” of the pieces, explaining that while the majority of them will remain in place, the natural falling of a few of these mini marbles is a natural part of the CandyBella experience, the same way that sprinkles tumble from the tops of cupcakes.”

In addition to the Pearly Sleeping Beauty Collage Statement Necklace, CandyBella’s Etsy shop also offers this lovely Snow White Cuff (tiara not included) that promises to make you the center of your own $300 Lady Gaga fairytale with its “gold resin wings, surrounded by handpainted porcelain roses, vintage rhinestone pieces, tiny pearls, tons of swarovski crystals in different colors, and a little Dopey is peeking around the back of the cuff for a dash of fun.”

A little Dopey is right!

Or if Snow White’s not your style, you can also opt for this purple Moonbeam Unicorn Princess Cuff inspired by CandyBella’s “favorite 80s GirlPower superheroes” (who apparently wished to remain otherwise nameless out of fear that they would lose every sliver of their GirlPower street cred).

Like a vajazzled cho cha, “the best part is discovering the beautiful layers for yourself!”.

But just in case you don’t like $350 surprises, CandyBella gives you the run down on this glorified Mattel wrist band: “Giant laquered plastic unicorn head surrounded by hundreds of silver and neon pink pearls, vintage rhinestone jewelry, silver stars, and sparkly bits; all mounted on an adjustable silver plated cuff with a decorative inlay inside.”

Somewhere, Jem is cutting herself and crying.

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Renee keeps her glittery unicorns on the inside.

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For the Army Wife Who Has Everything

Cat Rocketship — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:00:19 +0000

Have you been frustrated over the plain-jane status of your baseball caps? Maybe you think your jogging headgear lacks pizazz? Fret no longer, we have the item listing for you.

For the woman who has only the best of everything!

This fantastic special piece will quite the conversation starter! Want to stand out in a crowd….? Then try this hot original cap…not ONE other like it anywhere!

You will die when you see this piece in person! Everyone will want to touch it!

I probably would die if I saw it in person, but not because of its breathtaking beauty. More of a rolling-on-the-floor-in-hilarious-agony sort of death. However this creation takes your breath away, it can be yours for just $320.00.

{Source}

Cat Rocketship makes and yells about art at pleaseobey.com.

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B-B-B-Barbie Face, Barbie Face

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:00:50 +0000

$225.00

Now your daughter can be the envy of the mental ward with her very own sweaty-looking Barbie head & “Swarovsky Crystal” (sic) adorned bracelet. Nice bow, Barbs!

Right this way to see even more beautiful nutty creations!

$225.00

All the other little girls visiting their crafty mothers will be completely jealous of your daughter.

$225.00

Make sure you plan your visit close to the guard, lest she get her hand bitten off by crazy little girls!

$225.00

Thanks Claire!

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Not the same, but still fun:

And then I bleached my retinas…

sam {temptingmama} — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 02:09:09 +0000

Whether you’ve been to a strip club or not, I’m sure you can imagine what those ladies can do with a stripper pole. All that upper body strength? Leg wrapping techniques?

Uh. Nevermind.

Hey, mommy? What’s on your necklace?!

“Oh, nothing sweetie. It’s just a dancing lady.”

A wee little nekkid lady.

Uhhhhhh. Riiiiiiight.

I’ll contack you right after you clean that stripper pole. It’s a little too authentic for me.

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Not the same, but still fun:

Wear your heart brain on your sleeve earlobe…

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:42:31 +0000

heart brain on your ~~sleeve~~ earlobe..." alt=" Wear your ~~heart~~ brain on your ~~sleeve~~ earlobe..." />

Pinky and the Brain?

I think I’m losing my touch. I have NO idea what this is or what it’s meant to be.

None.

From the listing:

These are Fimo Clay Cresents made from clear, white and pink color. They will fit earlobles the size of 5/8″ only

heart brain on your ~~sleeve~~ earlobe..." width="430" height="323" />

Maybe their meant to be earrings?

They kinda remind me of little bit of intestine.

Or brains.

Ya. Brains.

*shrugs*

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Not the same, but still fun:

Who knew you liked vagina so much!?

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 14:07:02 +0000

We’ve featured this artist here before, but DAAAYUM you’all REALLY want to see what we have to say about another one of her items that’s been making it’s way around the interwebs.

It’s been featured quite a few places as of late – including one of our favourites - mad props to Buzzfeed! - but it’s so fun we just can’t pass it up.

Who knew you liked vagina so much!?

Sorry to those of you whom may have had your vagina replicated and it’s featured here. Ever more so if yours is the one I referred to as “moldy”.

This ones for you our lovely Craftastrophe followers, because without you none of this would have been possible.

Uhhh… my vagina* loves you?

Thanks fidget, Shannna, Cyndie, Josh & Allison, and my girl PrincessJenn

{source – replica vulva}

{source – heart shaped vuvla}

*Totally NOT my vagina.

Not the same, but still fun:

There’s a reason mommy drinks so much

sam {temptingmama} — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:10:00 +0000

Remember sweetie, you’re not to touch mommy’s special Work Drink. She needs those Work Drinks to make money and put a roof over your head.

And Jenn? LOVE HER. She sent us this email and I nearly peed when I read her comment:

Nothing says ‘Mommy drinks too much’ like a Big Sister bottle cap necklace. *snort*

But wait! There’s MORE!!

If you’re a Twilight fan – which, um HELLO! Team Edward! – there’s a butt ton of bottlecap necklaces available for you!

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Egg-cellent!

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:17:26 +0000

This one just makes me laugh.

Manically.

I am buying one and wearing it with my sexist* lingerie.

Hmm… I wonder if she makes bacon ones?

From the listing:

A fun and whimsical broach that will add a unique flair to any outfit. Pannies Broaches are made from real fried eggs that are entirely encased in gloss to make them solid and wearable. They do not smell or leak or stain, don’t worry! The edges of the egg curl up, creating a sculptural and unexpected accessory.

Seriously. Aside from bacon perfume this has to be about the easiest way to turn a man on.

I totally, unconditionally LOVE it.

Even more so that it doesn’t leak or stain. LOL

Thanks Cari!

{source}

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You Can Ring My Bell…Among Other Things

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 11:09:48 +0000

Imagine getting married in a dress made from those paper bells my Granny makes me buy for every wedding shower and baby shower. They sit on the table right next to her pistachio pudding/marshmallow dessert which she simply calls “Green Fluff.” She’s been making it since 1965 or earlier and I’m sure she is the only one who eats it. It might even be the same dessert she just hauls back and forth like a bowl of wax fruit. Maybe it’s not even real. I’ve never seen anyone else eat it but Granny and I’m certain she’s faking it. She’ll pull an empty spoon out of her mouth and say, “mmmmm….that green fluff is perfect! You should try it!” It’s a trick, I’m certain.

Anyway.

I think it’s kinda funny that the hearts behind the guys head makes him look like he has giant lopsided ears at first glance. Dude looks like a sock monkey in his funderwear. I’m slightly jealous of this guy’s funderwear. Want.

Haute Paper Couture!

*rawr*

I honestly can’t help but love this artist! If for nothing else but her sense of humour with her “I will Screw U oh I mean I will Love U Necklace.”

Thanks Kerrie!

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Dis Is Not Yogical*

Karen Sugarpants — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:44:39 +0000

I’m a big fan of Yoga. I think it’s good for the mind, body and soul. At the end of a Yoga class, the instructor always bows to us (and us to her) and says, “Namaste.” The meaning of that isn’t lost on me, but in case you don’t know what it means, here’s the short version:

The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you.”

It’s such a nice gesture, and you feel so incredibly peaceful afterwards.

Which is why I have no idea why this crafter called her creation the Namaste Necklace. To me, that looks more like my kids Magnetix set exploded in glue and set into a choke hold I would never ever pay $2500 for. Can imagine wearing this monstrosity to Yoga class? It’s like cowboy belt buckle meets gloworm! You’d never get out of downward facing dog!

*Thanks Haley for the invention of the word Yogical!

{source of Namaste definition}

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