Craftastrophe » I Want to Punch a Crafter

One Small Problem

suebob — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:05:45 +0000

You might as well wear the Dog Eye Patch from yesterday. On both eyes.

These crystal sunglasses are to die for.No u can not see out of them.They are prefect for lying on the beach or wearing on top of your head as hairwear.

They’re great sunglasses IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE.
{Source} 40 pointless dollars

Not the same, but still fun:

Baby Lunacy

suebob — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:10:35 +0000

As an official Bad Aunt, this is something I might give as a baby gift – Crocheted Baby “Shoes”

Let’s see:
Pointless and unnecessary – check
A pain to put on – check
Will get caught on things and cause fuss – check
The only thing they DON’T do is make loud, repetitive noises. Maybe the next version could feature some bells?

{Source} $10.62 worth of wiggly baby nightmare

Not the same, but still fun:

Christmas Shopping: Disappoint Your Gadget-Loving Friend

suebob — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:40:09 +0000

“I got you an iPod!”

Oh, no, it’s an eye-pod! Not only a bad pun, but kinda creepy, too, as a bonus.
{Source} Only $30, but the disappointment is priceless.

Not the same, but still fun:

All Balled Up

suebob — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:00:13 +0000

Sometimes don’t you just want to say:

PUT DOWN THE WIRE AND MAKE SOME REAL CRAFTS.

Those three were bad, but this one makes me furious:

This is a great necklace. Wire wrapped ball looks like a fabulous ball of yarn. Hanging from an 18 inch Sterling silver chain, it is sure to delight! The perfect gift for the knitter in your life!

It is NOT a fabulous ball of yarn. It is some damned wire rolled in a ball, and no matter how hard you try to make it something else, that is all it will ever be. Gah. You are DISMISSED.

{Source} As if.

Not the same, but still fun:

Do-it-Yourself Craftastrophe

suebob — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:14:31 +0000

First, go look at this:

A holiday crafts project!

Here’s my favorite part:

And can you tell what they’re made of? Styrofoam and plastic spoons!

I could. I could tell right away.

My other favorite part is that you need to snap the bottom of each plastic spoon off without breaking the spoon or slicing off a body part. Good luck with that. I know I would end up in the ER. Your mileage may vary.

I’m kind of sorry to make fun of this, because the person seems so good-hearted and earnest. And I can relate – I’ve been there. You create something that you spend A LOT of time on, so much time that you fall in love with it, maybe a bit TOO much in love…and it is still just a styro ball with spoons stuck in it.
Spray-painted gold. (Did I ever tell you about my mom’s gold spray paint phase? OMG everything. Sticks, canisters, pine cones, baskets…Because anything looks Klassy if it is gold! “Oh, wow, Mom, I thought you actually bought SOLID GOLD bookends!”)

So. I’m not trying to be mean. Ok, a little mean. But mostly what I’m trying to do is to save you from having your relatives make fun of your spoon ball behind your back for years to come. Trust me on this one.

Not the same, but still fun:

It’s like a Coaster. That you wear on your finger.

suebob — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:00:35 +0000

File under: stuff that makes me bang my head on my desk.

Note to genius designer – hands were meant to be USED, not to have their fingers yoked together in some kind of modern finger slavery.

And then someone ate a bird, guts, feathers and all, and then coughed it up on your hand. “Tribal” my butt.

{Source}

Not the same, but still fun:

C is for Circus. And also your grade on this assignment

suebob — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 17:00:39 +0000

Ok, it’s whimsical, it’s a “statement” necklace (I HAAAATE that term), it’s meant to be cute and charming. But you know what turns this necklace from merely annoying into a real Craftastrophe?

The white spots. They didn’t bother to get out their Exacto or jigsaw or what-have-you and trim out the white spots. That drives me crayzeeeeeee. Quality counts, people. Show your work.
{Source} $59 worth of Flying Acrobats

Not the same, but still fun:

Because on Craftastrophe, unlike in real life, we do not shy away from vomit

suebob — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 08:59:22 +0000

How was Thanksgiving? Did anyone eat the onion dip that had been left out in the 87 degree house for 6 hours? I think this little guy did:

{Source}

Some more like this one:

Nightmare Nursery

suebob — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 19:01:38 +0000

Who doesn’t love a teddy bear? A soft, lovey friend to keep you company in the dark, lonely nights.

Oh hell. Now why did you have to go and do that?

I’ll never sleep again.

{Source}

Some more like this one:

Puddle the Easter Horror

suebob — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 17:00:45 +0000

We all know bad children get coal in their stockings at Christmas. What do bad children get at Easter?

Behold Puddle the Funky Gypsy Fiber Art Bunny. Hm. Looks more like Puddle the Mutant Horror Movie Mexican Wrestling Luchadora Bunny to me. In any case, scary as hell.

THAT will teach them to be good, right?

What can you say about Puddle..? She is truly a unique little creation…Puddle simply adores our pet dog Pepper and will follow him around – much to his horror…Pepper reckons she is a really fierce watchdog…not a bunny lover!! Puddle sits and pines away by our window wondering why the other bunnies down come by to visit

{Source} Yours for only $180.

Suebob is baffled.