Craftastrophe » I Want to Punch a Crafter

Swine Flu: The Twilight Saga

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:00:33 +0000

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Bella’s not sad that Edward’s left but instead has come down with an insufferable bout of Swine Flu.

That’s what you get for forgetting your mask Bella!

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It’s okay Renesmee, mommy will be better in a few days.

Not the same, but still fun:

Dis Is Not Yogical*

Karen Sugarpants — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:44:39 +0000

I’m a big fan of Yoga. I think it’s good for the mind, body and soul. At the end of a Yoga class, the instructor always bows to us (and us to her) and says, “Namaste.” The meaning of that isn’t lost on me, but in case you don’t know what it means, here’s the short version:

The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. “Nama” means bow, “as” means I, and “te” means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means “bow me you” or “I bow to you.”

It’s such a nice gesture, and you feel so incredibly peaceful afterwards.

Which is why I have no idea why this crafter called her creation the Namaste Necklace. To me, that looks more like my kids Magnetix set exploded in glue and set into a choke hold I would never ever pay $2500 for. Can imagine wearing this monstrosity to Yoga class? It’s like cowboy belt buckle meets gloworm! You’d never get out of downward facing dog!

*Thanks Haley for the invention of the word Yogical!

{source of Namaste definition}

{necklace source}

Some more like this one:

Nice Hat. And By Peacock, You Mean…

Karen Sugarpants — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:07:00 +0000

…stegosaurus?

Thanks for the hearty giggle Candace!

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Not the same, but still fun:

I Don’t Even Know What To Do With You People Anymore

Karen Sugarpants — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:57:15 +0000

What in the name of black nail polish IS this?

A zombie tie?

A zombie tie.

You’re serious?

What kind of crack-addicted, basement-dwelling, sucking off the teat of her parents, emo freak would make something like this?

Oh.

Stay in school kids. Don’t do drugs.

Thanks Adrianne!
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Some more like this one:

Caption this: Asprin Doily

Karen Sugarpants — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:00:10 +0000

Caption this.

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Not the same, but still fun:

Mermaids Are Funny When They Are Overpriced

Karen Sugarpants — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 17:29:51 +0000

Do mermaids use knives and forks when they eat?
No, they use their fish fingers!

What did the sea say to the Little Mermaid?
Nothing, it just waved!

What has beautiful hair, a pretty face, two arms, a fish’s tail, looks like a mermaid, but isn’t a mermaid?
A photograph of a mermaid!

What is a mermaid’s favourite song?
Salmon-chanted Evening!

Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?
The scales!

Why did the Little Mermaid look the other way?
Because the seaweed.

Why did the Little Mermaid ride a sea-horse?
Because she was playing water polo!

Why was the Little Mermaid embarrassed?
Because she saw the big ship’s bottom!

Dramatic Deaf Mermaid.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah! Jazz Hands!

And the best joke of all? The price.

$1,275.00

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Thanks Christine!

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Some more like this one:

I Tend to Carry on About Stuff I Know Little About

Sock Monkey Butt Slapping Madness

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:59:31 +0000

Reader Valerie found this little gem and couldn’t help laughing at the ridiculousness of the sock monkey heads on the boob part of the dress. I can just imagine Sam wearing this and trying to breastfeeding her baby. Hope you’re saving for therapy, Mommy!

You really have to love sock monkeys in order to wear something like this. Especially to have the monkey’s gaping maw on your butt while little monkey legs swing around and whack your butt. You’re like shopping along in the mall, hoofin’ it across the food court in your Keds and Sock Monkey Dress and there’s monkey-foot-love all over your backside. Weird.

But then, maybe you’re into that sort of thing. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know that you get all hot and monkified over work socks wrapping your entire body while monkeys slap your a$$. I don’t want to know that you secretly wish your nipples were monkey mouths. Or that you like those hot little monkey ears tickling you up in your cleavage. That’s the stuff CSI episodes are made of.

Imagine trying to go to the bathroom in this dress. You gotta hike up like 45 feet of hot itchy wool up around your waist like a spare tire of yarn and try and teeter yourself over a toilet.

You do realize sock monkeys are made from work socks right? The traditional sock monkey is made from WORK SOCKS. Itchy, hot, wool, work socks. I get hives just looking at this dress. Mostly because I imagine monkified panties under that dress.

*scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch*

Thanks Valerie!

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Some more like this one:

Crafts With Feathers Make Me Squirm

Karen Sugarpants — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 16:05:33 +0000

What the frikken frack is this crap now?

This kind of craft makes me squirm. It’s not only the feathers that make me think of Alfred Hitchcock raining down on my sensitivities, it’s the fact that this angel’s body looks like someone found Uncle Frank’s wadded up bunch of dried snotty Kleenex, let it dry and then threw some glitter on it.

Top that mess off with a half-hearted attempt at a head and you’ve got the perfect storm of Craftastrophe goodness. You have to be one bad-ass with a glue gun to hold your laughter long enough to put all this together.

Furthermore…this:

Looks so much like this, you can’t help but laugh.

Some more like this one:

Makes Me Want to Ground Her Mother Until Menopause

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 20:32:11 +0000

Looking beyond the very obvious appearance of When Sleazy Meet Trashy, these “corset jeans” make me want to track down this girl’s mother, and hold in contempt for crimes against crafting. Spray pant on jeans? Corset-wrapped thighs?

From the listing:

These pants will make any one stop and say “WOW!”

Or, you know, “how much to shemp the hog, little lady?”

Thanks Stephanie!

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Not the same, but still fun:

Midnight Cluster(fook) Scarf

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 22:51:53 +0000

Have we not talked about the hazards of creating a scarf that looks like it’s attacking you? This one looks like a full blown rash strangling it’s, well…knob.