Craftastrophe » Holiday! Celebrate!

Dishing it out AND taking it

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:43:59 +0000

So I wrote an ode to America on The 4th and was then accused that I can dish it out, but not take it. I am here today to show you that I can, in fact take it.

I can take it hard.

We’re like that here in Canada, Eh?

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I believe it’s supposed to be “I Am Canadian”, but when I see it I think, “I Am Canada.”

And Canada? It’s HUGE.

Then I think, “That’s a HUGE b!tch!”

(Thank you for coming along on this tour of Sam’s Train of Thought. Please keep your hands inside the cart at all times.)

We love hockey here in Canada. So much so that we even manage to include it in our very special day:

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So. Hot.

Imagine being a groom, going up your lady’s dress and seeing an ode to your favourite hockey team. Awesome, right?

I know.

And of course – MUST have a grand poobah – to keep it fair.

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That’s just about the fattest horse – ever. Like an apple on toothpicks fat.

And please tell me: what is up with that tail!?

Happy (belated by six days) Canada Day.

You know, to show that we can take it.

Not the same, but still fun:

America! (Frig) Yeah!

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:04:43 +0000

Karen and I would love to wish our Americus friends a very Happy 4th of July! I hope you’re enjoying your hot dogs, hamburgers and family gatherings.

(Psssst. Today is also Karen’s birthday!)

Happy Birthday Karen!!

When it comes to the fourth of July, I always think of the Team America: World Police theme song (if you click the link please beware that it’s explicit and NSFW, old people, or most family gatherings).

(It’s likely entirely inappropriate seeing as I am Canadian and it’s a parody of America but! I mean no disrespect, it’s just funny and makes me laugh.)

(This site hasn’t ever been known for being appropriate or non-judgmental, has it? I mean, you have read it, right?)

(If you have a moment, I highly recommend reading the comments on the YouTube thread. Hilarious!)

And if you’re so inclined, you could sport this beaut to the fireworks show this evening!

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Maybe a new resin Barbie face necklace?

From the listing:

For this pendant, I used the bluest eyes, the reddest lips, and the whitest cap I could find!

This pendant measures two inches long and 1.5 inches wide, and half an inch deep. Shipped on black rubber tubing with a little black cap for the toggle clasp. (It would probably look a lot better on a gold chain.)

(I always laugh when a crafter states that they could have something different to make their item more appealing but chose not to.)

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And now, the grand finale! The grand poobah!

If this isn’t upcycled I don’t know what is!

From the listing:

This is a ONE OF A KIND design!! Here is a very patriotic Uncle Sam holding his American Flag!! His face is a copy from an antique picture from my collection! His body is made from vintage silvery gray and sky blue chenille stems ~ a vintage silver Christmas light bulb reflector is behind his head to add some holiday sparkle ~ blue tinsel pipe cleaner hanger!

(P.S. I think “vintage chenille stems” is code for “used pipe cleaners”)

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Have a great 4th of July America!

Love your Crazy Canuck friends!

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Mother’s Day Gift for That Helicopter Mom in Your Life

sam {temptingmama} — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:45:58 +0000

I love my children more than anything, but I am not one of those people who keep their umbilical cord, first curl or teeth.

Yes, I’m looking at you.

No thank you, not me. There’s just something about keeping molted part and pieces I find extremely eerie and demented.

Yes. I am looking at you.

Why not nail clippings to while you’re at it?

Yes. YOU.

But I digress.

Someone, somewhere will find this to be a fabulous idea.

Kinda like hanging their baby’s first shoe from the rear view mirror, only NOT.

This is a pair of Victorian inspired blackened cameo Genuine baby teeth earrings. The teeth have been cleaned and sanitized and are set on a black velvet pillow resting on a blackened cameo.

Yes, ladies you can wear your child’s molars on your ears.

The ultimate Helicopter Mom gift, if you ask me.

:: shudder ::

Mother’s Day is coming up. Too old? Meh. Just get in a bar fight or slug someone during a hockey game then just glue those babies on a set of earrings.

Thanks Candace Trew Calming for sending us this one!

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It Takes A Certain Brand of Teh Crazy

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 18:56:19 +0000

Forget a Christmas wreaths. Here’s some for the whole year ’round!

And if that’s not great enough.

I can keep it up all year! Maybe even use it as a nightlight for the kids.

That outta keep them scared sh*tless at night which means they won’t be getting out of bed – and if they do? It goes on their bedroom wall.

It makes you want to raid your kid’s toy box, doesn’t it? Yes. Yes, it does.

No Barbies in the house? No worries!

I’m making this one from all my kid’s crap.

No kids? No trouble; here’s one for you!

You get a double dose of Teh Crazy.

Raid your local paint store for all their chips and you can create wreaths to match every friggin’ room in the house!

Thanks to Tracy Lee and Kristen!

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Christmas Vests: Bringing You the Season of Ugly

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:03:52 +0000

We’ve seen some craptastic sweaters, now it’s time for The Vests!

I don’t know that this is a vest as much as it is a sleeveless dress shirt, a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing era.

(Now I have Do you love me? stuck in my head. *link has lots of gyrating hips in it, MNSFW*)

One bit of assvice? The holly ring should meet up at the front of the shirt. I was checking to see if the buttons were done up incorrectly. (But the misaligned holly sure does make the shirt if I do say so myself.)

Poinsettias sprawled out all over your body?! Yes, please. I think the one could only have been better if those two middle ones had been evenly spaced and landed directly on the wearer’s tatas. Man or woman, doesn’t matter.

This shirt was SO much better when I first saw it. That was before I noticed the fish on the snowman’s rod, because before? The snowman was carrying a RIFLE and there were two deer? / moose? / caribou? Deemoosibou (yes, Deemoosibou) roaming outside a tiny little gnome house.

Knitted fanitastic goodness. What could I possibly say that would top a teddy bear wearing a Christmas sweater, knitted on a Christmas vest? Moving on…

If this vest doesn’t scream Redneck enough on its own, what about the wood paneling and perforated wood board? That picture only needs to be either something beer related or NASCAR to make this picture complete.

I may have just died and gone to Heaven. Is that fringe on the bottom of the vest? I believe everything on this vest is attached rather than sewn making them 3D monstrosities items of spectacular Christmassy goodness. And the twinkles? That’s not just your eyes. Those are CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Enough said. I am seriously considering contacting this seller for next year’s vest. I need it.

Nothing could make this thing any better. They’ve even included a delightful Christmas turtleneck which I sure could be included if you asked the seller nicely.

There are no words. Seriously.

{ source – eBay and all its kitschy glory }

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Best of the Worst: The Christmas Sweater Edition

sam {temptingmama} — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:40:14 +0000

Our beloved stalker extraordinaire Suebob has a contest going on (which has been extended to Decemeber 15th – so get over there!) to showcase your hideous and hilarious Christmas sweaters. Christmas sweaters always, ALWAYS make me laugh. I have a co-worker that wears a couple of the teacher-esque ones which I adore because well, she’s older and she reminds me of Mrs. Claus and that makes me happy.

I have been a victim of the bad Christmas sweaters as well. Not that I ever wore it, but it was a gift from grandma one year. A year where my teenage angst was at it’s greatest and I would sooner have burned the sweater than wear it.

So because I have been at the brunt of the bad sweater receiving, I am allowed to make fun. (Partially) My blog. My rules.

And! Before you say anything; these were made by someone, somewhere – therefore? Craft.

Behold The Christmas Sweaters!

It’s a behemoth Santa Claus! Run for your lives! He’s like the Incredible Hulk, only not green or angry. So really? He’s nothing like the Incredible Hulk except for the fact that he’s HUGE!

A more classic Pere Nole (minus the special little dots and accents because I don’t know how to do those) lost in the snow trudging along with his teenie tiny sack.

Sack. OF. TOYS. People! Please, this is Christmas we’re talking about.

*ahem*

Nothing says I hate you quite like a silk screen sweatshirt. But with a Christmas motif? Dude, get a restraining order, this person is about ready to lop your head off!

Grandma? Is that you?

How pray tell, are you expected to give someone a hug of good cheer when you have a Rudolph protruding from your chest like that dude from Alien? **use caution while clicking that link. If you’re reckless like me, then have at it!

The blue nail polish just accentuates the horrible-ness of this uggers cat theme. And, why the sash of holly and snowflakes? I don’t get it.

Sweet baby Jesus. Santa looks like he has a pecker for a nose and soggy wet toilet paper for a beard.

Am. Sold.

So, if you’re looking to buy yourself a classic Christmas sweater like these check out Ebay because there’s something like eleventy million of them for sale.

Why had I not known about Ebay when I got that damn Scotty dog sweater? *sigh*

This was so fun I am going to do another version – this time? The vest.

Oh ya, baby.

The Vest.

You’re Welcome.

{ source: Ebay, mofo }

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It’s Like Scrubbing Your Nethers With a Dirtier Bar of Soap

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 22:00:17 +0000

I am horrible at buying Christmas gifts. I read far too much into my purchasing. Are they going to like this? What if they already have one? What are they going to think when they open this? Will they think this is ugly? Seriously. I am consumed with anxiety when it comes to Christmas shopping.

Sometimes I buy soaps and shampoo gift baskets for people and then wonder if they’re going to think that I think they stink and this is my way of telling them that they should definitely shower more.

See? Anxiety.

This one? This is a safe bet that someone would be a little pissed at me.

My mom would be the perfect candidate since rodents send her into a fit of crazies. Take for instance, when I was about eight years old we had mice in our house. My mom and I came home from an outing and I was sent in first to check the traps. Seriously. It’s a true story. I’ll never forget the day I came upon a wee little field mouse with the wire trap secured tightly around his neck.

In fact. I think I just may buy this soap right now.

Merry Christmas mommy! Bwahahahaha

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Turkey in the Straw

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:30:29 +0000

I saw these…

…and couldn’t get the damn Turkey in the Straw song out of my head.

They are adorned with hematite tear drops, jet black Swarovski crystals, grey faceted glass beads and black iridescent feather lashes to complete the look of festivity. They are larger than life, absolutely light as a feather and measure approx. 6” long and 4” wide.

Might as well hang half a bird from your ear!

And you? In the earrings? You, my friend, are the turkey.

Turkey in the straw,
(straw, straw, straw)
Turkey in the hay,
(hay, hay, hay)
…

Apparently the song’s still there.

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Horn of (Missing the) Plenty

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:15:51 +0000

When someone says cornucopia I envision corns. On your feet. Needless to say, I hate that word. I prefer Horn of Plenty.

Though, horn still sounds like corn. Whatevs.

But this? This horn of plenty is missing one thing.

The PLENTY.

Cornicopia:

A goat’s horn overflowing with fruit, flowers, and grain, signifying prosperity. Also called horn of plenty.

Overflowing with goodness, the Horn of Plenty should be FULL and OVERFLOWING, no? Maybe I missunderstood the meaning of PLENTY.

From the seller:

The horn is 6 inches long with a 4.5 inch opening. A combination of yellow and light green wools, the horn is sturdy enough to hold its shape well. The needle felted harvest includes a warty squash, a striped squash, a small pumpkin, two tiny plums and an apple. Also included are two types of greens made from wool flat felt. Sizes range from the plums at .25 inches long to the warty squash at 2.5 inches long.

Apparently this bad boy is worth ten DOLLARS an inch.

Yes. 60 BUCKS my friend.

Plenty:

A complete moron will be taken for sixty dollars for a miniature horn and bite size hairballs.

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Gobble, Gobble!

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:20:46 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving to our dear friends to the south!

May your guts expand with fowl and you fall asleep with your pants undone with friends and family close by.

Eat some pumpkin pie for me – extra whip puhlease!

Now!

On with the fugly turkeys!

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A turkey skating; but it’s not just any turkey – it’s a hand turkey (with what appears to be a bloody hangnail).

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I’m not understanding the appeal of creating turkeys out of hands. I mean, for a school art activity maybe – but stuffing a mitt and calling it a turkey just doesn’t grab me.

Especially when it looks like a duck.

Just sayin’.

:::

Hate when your dog’s mooching for turkey? Sitting at your side just waiting for scraps or even maybe bold enough to grab its own from the counter.

How about making THEM the turkey instead?

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Put the dog in a turkey dress and it will be far too busy plotting your death to get into the turkey dinner you’ve slaved over.

Or? Just give them their own turkey.

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Oh Tom.

Tom. Tom. Tom.

I think you may be suffering from an identity crisis, because Tom? You have ARMS and LEGS.

A turkey in disgust disguise.