You know that musical “Hair,” the one with the song that goes

“Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair!”

Yeah, that one. Not a fan. Hair freaks me out a little bit and I don’t want to sing about it and I certainly don’t want to wear – or look at someone wearing – this:

It is an amazing statement piece that feels wonderful to wear.
It is an oxidised copper neckpiece set with a weft of silky human hair approximately 60cm long. I can make them up in either red, blonde or black hair.

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We all know the scene. The forest is on fire, Bambi ans his mother are galloping away from the evil hunters in a search for freedom and KABLAM! Bambie’s mom gets it…

but I am pretty sure it wasn’t in the ass. $450 smackers can buy you this delightful little 3-d artistic representation of childhood’s most scarring movie experience. But, be warned, if you buy it you have to make this face:

blood dripping from the butt wound adds just a touch of whimsy,

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flutter is not entirely sure what just happened, but she is very very scared.

Thank you for the $5 McDonald’s gift certificate for my birthday last month.  You always remember my birthday with such generosity, so it’s only right that I use my hard earned beer and pot church donation money to return your graciousness. 

I know that grandmas want to look fierce and the winters are getting colder every year, so I thought I’d get you a hat.  A hat that looks like your head is on fire.  Just looking at it will make you warm!

"I'm frightened. The lips behind me, what are they...Is this supposed to be some weird porno thing? Is my head a cherry? I...what is going on, here, young lady?"

Shit.

I saw this special, fuzzy blood-red hat and was immediately like, “WHOA! Grandma!  I bet she’s all looking in the mirror every day at her sensible style and thinking, ‘Damn, yo.  I needz me some goth shiz to really make me stand out at Bingo!’”  So, um.  Here.  It’s even entitled, “Grandma Goes Goth Skullcap!”

Well…maybe.  That’s a start.  Not bad.

I know you like yarn a whole lot because you’re always doing crafts, so I picked this hat out for you because it looks like a really expensive ball of yarn exploded.  Which would be cool, right?  If something you like a bunch just exploded?  I think that would be awesome.

Burn, baby, burn. Wait. No! Don't burn! That's Grandma's HEAD!

Ugh, no.  Wrong track.  Start over.

Mom says you’re really upset that your hair is silver and has been thinning, so

Okay, that’s really bad.  THINK, DAMMIT!

You seem to like Ronald McDonald so much, I thought I’d buy you a hat so you can look like him.  Coming separately is a tube of Avon lipstick in red. 

Grandma's going as "Ronald McDonald's Hottie Mistress" this year for Halloween

No, that sounds…confrontational.  Grandmas are sweet, and so what if she thinks $5 still buys a full meal.  It’s the thought that counts.

Okay, here goes.  Last try.

I think I read somewhere that head wounds are totes in for Spring ’10, so I bought you this with that in mind.  I know you like to be fashionable, but I’ve been meaning to tell you that you might be needing some help with that.  So…ta-da!  Not only does it look like you have a nuclear head wound on your entire skull, when you turn to the side you can impress folks even more with the detail that makes it look like your actual brains are seeping out of your head!  If they don’t call the ambulance and some young buck isn’t sealing his lips over yours to rescuisitate within 10 minutes, well.  It will happen; how can it not?  It looks like your brains.  Seeping.  Out of your head.  Now that’s a story for bingo next week.   So what if your head looks like the tip of an almost used Tampax?  Fashion isn’t supposed to be easy or comfortable, like your seventeen pair of Easy Spirits.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIINNNNS....seeping

Enjoy, and say hi to Granddad for me.

PS: The fashion designer is totes haute couture and has this to say about the skull: “The hat is enhanced with a ceramic button, shaped like a heart, with a skull-and-crossbones design. It is also in tones of red and black. I designed and painted the button; it is an original.”  You know how on the teevee, a gangsta will sort of pull up his shirt to reveal the Glock tucked into his waistband?  Awww…yeah, now you can kick it GothGangstaGranStyle and be all, “Oh?  You don’t have a senior discount?” and then turn your head slightly to show the skull and crossbones and they’ll be all waving their hands and shaking, refilling your coffee for FREE, yo. 

I KNOW you didn't just ask if I needed help across the street, BETCH.

Because that’s how Goth Grans roll. 

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Anastacia “Jurgen Nation” Campbell writes about dumb shit all the time on her blog, and you can also follow her on Twitter and stuff.

Hey you guys! I was pulling the plastic flamingos out of my front yard to make this headdress…is that two words? Head dress? I don’t know, you guys this ain’t a dress for your head but it sure is pretty! So, anyway, you guys I was pulling the pink plastic flamingos out of my front yard to make this “piece of art” when I realized…This art oughta be photographed in front of MY favorite piece of art. I present to you guys my totally rad headdress, photographed in front of the painting that John Wayne Gacy sent to me as a thank you for the many erotic letters I sent to him about my clown fetish. Etsy made me take down the erotic poem I originally had with this listing, so I had to change it to this:

This piece is a one of a kind. Where do I start. It is a headband with a huge bow on top made of pink, orange, and green florescent tulle, with a doll’s head in the middle. The doll has a sequened crown and there are two flamingos on each side of the bow. The headband is covered in blue tinsel material. It is not heavy though and will not weigh your head down. Anywhere you wear this to, you will be noticed. It is truly a piece of art and this is the only one I have ever made like it.

What I didn’t say is that this piece is meant to be worn with the lingerie that I made with the melted barbie heads on the nips.

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Thanks, Cari!

flutter writes on her personal blog byflutter, sometimes.

Thanks Maegan!

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