Craftastrophe » Guess This Mess!

The Couch of Many Colors

suebob — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 13:57:13 +0000

It’s festive…it’s arty…it’s…like something someone in my neighborhood would put out on the lawn. Minus the dingle balls. I don’t think I have ever seen dingle balls on any furniture around here.

Bonus: it clashes with everything in equal proportions.

{Source} $4500. I think I’ll just staple some beach towels to the loveseat I already have instead.

Not the same, but still fun:

Help a poor old spinster out

suebob — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 22:58:16 +0000

Is this a doll thing or a real baby thing or what? And if it is a real baby thing, why does a baby need a bow tie? Do you really want to take the chance on strangling a baby with something pointless? Or am I just a neurotic freak? Help me, my people.

{Source} $20 and your eternal vigilance

Not the same, but still fun:

Look, kids, more “statement” jewelry

suebob — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 13:56:11 +0000

Now the statement has moved from the necklace to a ring…a ring that looks suspiciously like a tortured, mutated, crocheted set of male genitalia. Or is it just me?

{Source} $95 and the sneaking suspicion you’ve been punked.

Not the same, but still fun:

My, How…Rustic

suebob — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 04:47:17 +0000

Have I ever mentioned my loathing for most things made of mason jars? Ok, then.

It’s a light fixture. Made out of a goat yoke. And some mason jars. Just add some chairs made of John Deere tractor seats and you’ve got yourself a theme.
{Source} $445, or the price of a herd of goats

Not the same, but still fun:

Excuse Me, Your Bookmark Needs a Brazilian

suebob — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:57:02 +0000

Bookmarks are one of those little things in life that make a statement about what kind of person you are. The deeply pragmatic go with an old receipt; the sentimental with a beloved note. Others have some kind of complicated thing that clips on or has a chain or something. But what does it say about you when you have a completely random collage topped by what looks like a hank of unruly pubic hair?

{Source} $5, which you could just save toward a wax job

Not the same, but still fun:

One Small Problem

suebob — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:05:45 +0000

You might as well wear the Dog Eye Patch from yesterday. On both eyes.

These crystal sunglasses are to die for.No u can not see out of them.They are prefect for lying on the beach or wearing on top of your head as hairwear.

They’re great sunglasses IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE.
{Source} 40 pointless dollars

Not the same, but still fun:

All Balled Up

suebob — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 14:00:13 +0000

Sometimes don’t you just want to say:

PUT DOWN THE WIRE AND MAKE SOME REAL CRAFTS.

Those three were bad, but this one makes me furious:

This is a great necklace. Wire wrapped ball looks like a fabulous ball of yarn. Hanging from an 18 inch Sterling silver chain, it is sure to delight! The perfect gift for the knitter in your life!

It is NOT a fabulous ball of yarn. It is some damned wire rolled in a ball, and no matter how hard you try to make it something else, that is all it will ever be. Gah. You are DISMISSED.

{Source} As if.

Not the same, but still fun:

Do-it-Yourself Craftastrophe

suebob — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:14:31 +0000

First, go look at this:

A holiday crafts project!

Here’s my favorite part:

And can you tell what they’re made of? Styrofoam and plastic spoons!

I could. I could tell right away.

My other favorite part is that you need to snap the bottom of each plastic spoon off without breaking the spoon or slicing off a body part. Good luck with that. I know I would end up in the ER. Your mileage may vary.

I’m kind of sorry to make fun of this, because the person seems so good-hearted and earnest. And I can relate – I’ve been there. You create something that you spend A LOT of time on, so much time that you fall in love with it, maybe a bit TOO much in love…and it is still just a styro ball with spoons stuck in it.
Spray-painted gold. (Did I ever tell you about my mom’s gold spray paint phase? OMG everything. Sticks, canisters, pine cones, baskets…Because anything looks Klassy if it is gold! “Oh, wow, Mom, I thought you actually bought SOLID GOLD bookends!”)

So. I’m not trying to be mean. Ok, a little mean. But mostly what I’m trying to do is to save you from having your relatives make fun of your spoon ball behind your back for years to come. Trust me on this one.

Not the same, but still fun:

Cleanliness is next to normalcy

suebob — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:00:14 +0000

Hey, emo girl! I have an idea for you:

Try cleaning your rug more than once every 20 years and maybe some people will come over. Just a thought.
{Source} Only $4.00. Hand sanitizer extra.

Some more like this one:

For the minimalist

suebob — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:00:59 +0000

I KNOW it has to be hard to carve a stone ball. It must have taken you a long, long time to carve a stone ball.

It started as an ordinary rock. Thousands of thunks later, it takes shape as a glorious globe. One wrong thunk of the stone mason’s hammer and it becomes a dud, broken in half. Inspired by the mysterious stone spheres of Costa Rica, Las Bolas. Energy, exercise, meditation, contemplation, striation appreciation… what will you use your stone ball for?

Thank you for having the looney idea to turn a stone into a sphere and taking the time to do it. I, however, feel no compulsion to spend $425 on it. Thank you, and goodnight.

{Source}

Suebob is tired of balls and the people who have them.