Craftastrophe » Guaranteed Not to Improve Your Report Card

{NSFW} Excuse me? Are you finished with those Pringles?

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 14:21:00 +0000

Mmmmm… Pringles….

Um. Ya. I don’t think I’ll ever eat them again without thinking of this…

Empty the chips out of the can. You can use whatever brand and flavor you prefer, but we like the one shown here for the container’s ergonomic shape and durable, colorful plastic.

Empty the chips? Seriously, unless you’re going to enjoy them at the same time as you’re enjoying the container, eat the chips first. You’ll feel so much better.

To use your homemade flashlight toy, squirt some water-based, non-greasy lube into the condom and insert your penis. Cover the hole in the can with the tip of your finger to control the amount of “suction” you get. Closing the hole will increase the suction, so leave it open as you stroke in, and cover it on the out stroke.

Mmmm, enjoying your chips? Riveting, isn’t it?

Remove the foam roll and replace the condom after use (or rinse and reuse, if you’re really cheap). Use a textured condom turned inside out for more stimulation. Because the condom has a small opening on the end, the foam at the bottom of the can will periodically need to be replaced

Ew.

When stored with the lid on, the homemade flashlight can be conveniently camouflaged as an innocent can of potato chips (the can on the left has an advantage because its lid is opaque).. However, you need to release the edge of the condom from the lip of the can before you put the top on. If the condom is stretched around the top when you put the lid on, the lid will cut through the thin rubber of the condom. Leave the top of the condom loose, push the foam in, and cover with the lid. To use, just pop the top, pull the foam out a bit, and restretch the rubber.

You know when someone can provide THAT much detail, this thing wasn’t made on a whim. It’s been used OVER AND OVER to the point they’ve perfected it.

*shudder*

Remember, the can itself may be harmless, but when you’re asked for that container, a 1 ¼” O-ring, scissors, a condom and Sharpie markers you’d best be prepared. I, on the other hand am a little leery of the number click-throughs I’m going to see as you dirty perverts go check out how to make these.

{source}

Some more like this one:

Got a spare tablecloth and feather boa?

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:30:40 +0000

This outfit is one of many unique one of a kind exotic dancewear garments that I have available. Add me to your favorites and check back often for new items.

This 2 piece ensemble comes with a shrug style jacket and flare bottom pants. The fabric is a turquoise floral shear print accented in bright turquoise boa feathers. A 70’s rockin style costume, lingerie or a fun outfit for the exotic dancer.

Sorry this outfit does not come with the pink top or a matching thong.

Don’t worry. With hotness like that? No one will notice the lack of t-shirt or thong.

{source}

Some more like this one:

That’s a serious case of stink finger

sam {temptingmama} — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 17:00:18 +0000

Ha! Lint. Ya, we’ve done that…

But this? Um….

Belly. Button. Lint.

*shudder*

Duuuude. That shit? It would STINK.

I mean, I think it would stink…

*crickets*

That’s like a LIFE TIME of belly button lint. You’d have to collect daily from friends, family, neighbours and the UPS guy to even have enough for an arm!

Thanks Karen!!

{source}

Some more like this one:

Excuse me Miss, I think you dropped your colon.

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:00:31 +0000

perfect gift for people in the medical field, science nerd, or people who like interesting clothing. the black tunic is made by me with different colored and textured fabric used in patchwork to represent the different human organs and rib cage. this is perfect for wearing with leggings, jeans, or if you’re really daring, by itself!

ALL HAND MADE AND DESIGNED BY ME! NO TW0 SHIRTS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME. please specify a size.

Interesting? Yes.

Daring? Sure.

Something else the nerds need to be picked on for? Not really.

P.S. Call me old-school, but the makeup totally ruins this outfit. It looks like her eye shadow is actually that neon zinc we used to put on our noses.

{source}

Some more like this one:

Mister Sandman…Bring Me a Nightmare

Karen Sugarpants — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:00:54 +0000

Sand totally counts as a crafting medium, so you know.

{source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Spending too much time on your knees?

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 00:38:26 +0000

Me thinks you put the knee pads on the wrong side, Sweetie!

{source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Happy Vasectomy!

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 01:31:00 +0000

For the beloved man in your life. The one that inseminated you then sat back and watched as you birthed a watermelon-sized child from your tender pink lady bits.

The one that said he was not going to have that vasectomy and “why don’t you just get your tubes tied instead”.

The one that you threatened to remove his parts all together if he didn’t suck it up and just get it done already.

Um… maybe I’m projecting a little too much.

ANY- way…

Have a happy vasectomy!

*If* that story were about me, I may, or may not, consider giving him this beautiful card, with a bag of frozen peas.

From the listing:

This is a handmade card and envelope set featuring an illustration of a the male anatomy from a vintage anatomy book. This card is the perfect gift for the sexy man in your life! Celebrate the magic of reproductive anatomy with this CUNTastic card!

“Cuntastic”? Really? Interesting choice of words… and here I thought we were talking about peen…

{source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Glitter Regurgitation

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:00:07 +0000

These (regurgitated) polymer clay caca faces are ready to add to your art dolls compost or any other craft project which will soon be burned beyond recognition.

{source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Would you…

sam {temptingmama} — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:14:49 +0000

Yes! Yes! Oh, GOD, YES!!

Thanks Linda!!

{source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Rico is Suave

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 17:00:18 +0000

Rico is a rock star! He rocks so hard, he rocks two animal prints at once!

Rico is made of bright blue leopard print velboa (fake fur). All of his facial features are hand sewn, from his zebra ears and goatee, to his green felt flaming eye shadow and purple button eyes, right down to his rock-star blue and yellow plaid lips!

Rico’s big mouth isn’t just for thrashin’ vocals, but big enough to stash a few small treasures of your own. Rico is stuffed just enough to be buff, but not so tough he can’t stand a hug or two. His massive fleece tongue also pulls out for major attitude! You know what they say about rock stars…

Um. That’s a bit of an open ended question, isn’t it?

Looks to me like he’s barfing out his insides rather than showing off a Rock N’ Roll tongue.

Rico, you’re so suave.

{source}