Craftastrophe » Disturbing Things We Should Never Own

Bigfoot on the toilet – fine art, indeed

suebob — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:00:29 +0000

If art broadens your horizons, I’m not sure I want horizons this big:

The title is

“Bigfoot breaks into some Dude’s Cabin and Totally takes a fat Dump in his toilet”

Wow. Kinda has a “Mona Lisa” ring to it, doesn’t it?

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Suebob believes that poop and art should stay far, far away from one another.

Not the same, but still fun:

Something To Nibble On…

Gillian — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:46:36 +0000

I happened to be searching for local Alaskan Craftastrophes when I spotted this little gem, made right in my home town of Wasilla, Alaska.

Yep, that’s a rare spotting of an Alaskan snuggle pillow. I haven’t seen one in the wild in years… especially not in the coveted maroon color WITH latex nipples in a DD size! I think the crochet is a nice touch- I like all my perv-y pillows to have a homemade look to them. That way it’s easier for them to blend in with the other pillows on the couch! Enjoy trying to get this image out of your head for the rest of the day…

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Gillian Wright keeps it real about kids, crafts, organizing, and (lack of) housework at Mrs. Wright, Gone Wrong.

Some more like this one:

Souls Are Overrated

Elly Lou (BugginWord) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 12:51:01 +0000

How do you feel about your soul? Are you tired of trying to make your current one work? Would you like to upgrade to a newer model but you’ve no idea how to remove the one you already have?!?! Well now you can!* Introducing the revolutionary new Creepy Zombie Doll! He’ll suck your soul out in seconds flat!**

But wait, there’s more! Act now and we’ll also send you this “StrangeBorn” doll complete with the facial abnormalities of a rare genetic disorder! She’ll be sure to scare off…well…every living and unliving thing you could possibly imagine (with the exception of Creepy Zombie Doll).

As part of our exciting offer, if you call in the next twenty minutes we’ll include this second, even more terrifying, Creepy Zombie Doll to suck out the soul of your loved one. That’s three dolls for the price of only two souls!

*New soul sold separately.

**Doll maker can not guarantee soul sucking. Actual results may vary.

***Not actually an infomercial. This was only a recreation of the nightmares I enjoyed all night long after looking at these little jewels.

{source} (Thanks Reader Kerrie!)

Elly Lou (and what’s left of her soul) rambles regularly on her blog BugginWord.com.

Some more like this one:

{NSFW} Excuse me? Are you finished with those Pringles?

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 14:21:00 +0000

Mmmmm… Pringles….

Um. Ya. I don’t think I’ll ever eat them again without thinking of this…

Empty the chips out of the can. You can use whatever brand and flavor you prefer, but we like the one shown here for the container’s ergonomic shape and durable, colorful plastic.

Empty the chips? Seriously, unless you’re going to enjoy them at the same time as you’re enjoying the container, eat the chips first. You’ll feel so much better.

To use your homemade flashlight toy, squirt some water-based, non-greasy lube into the condom and insert your penis. Cover the hole in the can with the tip of your finger to control the amount of “suction” you get. Closing the hole will increase the suction, so leave it open as you stroke in, and cover it on the out stroke.

Mmmm, enjoying your chips? Riveting, isn’t it?

Remove the foam roll and replace the condom after use (or rinse and reuse, if you’re really cheap). Use a textured condom turned inside out for more stimulation. Because the condom has a small opening on the end, the foam at the bottom of the can will periodically need to be replaced

Ew.

When stored with the lid on, the homemade flashlight can be conveniently camouflaged as an innocent can of potato chips (the can on the left has an advantage because its lid is opaque).. However, you need to release the edge of the condom from the lip of the can before you put the top on. If the condom is stretched around the top when you put the lid on, the lid will cut through the thin rubber of the condom. Leave the top of the condom loose, push the foam in, and cover with the lid. To use, just pop the top, pull the foam out a bit, and restretch the rubber.

You know when someone can provide THAT much detail, this thing wasn’t made on a whim. It’s been used OVER AND OVER to the point they’ve perfected it.

*shudder*

Remember, the can itself may be harmless, but when you’re asked for that container, a 1 ¼” O-ring, scissors, a condom and Sharpie markers you’d best be prepared. I, on the other hand am a little leery of the number click-throughs I’m going to see as you dirty perverts go check out how to make these.

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Some more like this one:

Washed in the blood of this cake

suebob — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:00:21 +0000

Just in time for Easter, a cake that takes the symbols of the season to a disturbing new level.

A lamb cake. A cake that is meant to be decapitated. And then it bleeds jam.

Happy Easter, kids!

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Suebob does not think desserts should scare the children.

Not the same, but still fun:

Lysol won’t do JACK

Samantha Jo — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:45:04 +0000

What mother doesn’t worry about the germs surrounding her children’s playthings? It’s hard not to imagine what could be going into their precious little mouths after picking up a stray Weeble or Lego. WELL IMAGINE NO FURTHER, FRIENDS! For I have found a sculpture that is an exact replica of bacteria found in a child’s play room! Behold:

What might you do with this, you ask? Straight from the artist’s description:

This huge purple germ can hang from your ceiling or lounge on your bed. She weighs two pounds maybe? Definitely sweet, crafted very well and has delicate, feathery details.

Lounge on your bed! Hang from your ceiling–why not! Let your cleaning obsession be on constant alert with this furry beauty for the insanely low price of $400.00.

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Samantha cleans enough as it is, thankyouverymuch, but when she’s not can also be found at her personal blog Back To Me and her budget review blog Live Well Spend Well.

Not the same, but still fun:

Must Love Dogs Handpainted Toilet

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:54:56 +0000

I can’t stop laughing. Wait till you see the rest of the pictures.

Imagine parking your butt here. With that dog’s tongue hanging out. Um.

Matching sink FOR THE WIN!

Must love dogs, indeed. *swoon*

Thanks Kerrie!

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Some more like this one:

Hey you guys! Like my John Wayne Gacy clown painting?

flutter — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:00:38 +0000

Hey you guys! I was pulling the plastic flamingos out of my front yard to make this headdress…is that two words? Head dress? I don’t know, you guys this ain’t a dress for your head but it sure is pretty! So, anyway, you guys I was pulling the pink plastic flamingos out of my front yard to make this “piece of art” when I realized…This art oughta be photographed in front of MY favorite piece of art. I present to you guys my totally rad headdress, photographed in front of the painting that John Wayne Gacy sent to me as a thank you for the many erotic letters I sent to him about my clown fetish. Etsy made me take down the erotic poem I originally had with this listing, so I had to change it to this:

This piece is a one of a kind. Where do I start. It is a headband with a huge bow on top made of pink, orange, and green florescent tulle, with a doll’s head in the middle. The doll has a sequened crown and there are two flamingos on each side of the bow. The headband is covered in blue tinsel material. It is not heavy though and will not weigh your head down. Anywhere you wear this to, you will be noticed. It is truly a piece of art and this is the only one I have ever made like it.

What I didn’t say is that this piece is meant to be worn with the lingerie that I made with the melted barbie heads on the nips.

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Thanks, Cari!

flutter writes on her personal blog byflutter, sometimes.

Not the same, but still fun:

Richard Simmons likes a good tea-bagging

Kelley — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 18:00:11 +0000

I am new to the world of Esty and their ilk, but living in the middle of nowhere I see my fair share of lonely cat lady crafts.

And as the mother of teenagers, and the Depression of Emos that constantly lounge around my house sucking out all the hope and joy, I am all too familiar with Urban Dictionary.

So when I saw this little creation I didn’t know whether to laugh or recoil in horror cause, as the title suggests, Richard Simmons loves him some tea bagging.

And she totally looks like a scrotum.

Thanks Kerri!

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Kelley educates the masses in urban slang at Magneto Bold Too!

Not the same, but still fun:

Saw’s New Leading Lady!

Gillian — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 04:40:31 +0000

Who doesn’t want half a bald lady shoved in a candle stick greeting all their guest? Yep, this is Ane. She may have lost all her hair, had a few joint replacements and is missing her bottom half, but that doesn’t make her any less creepy lovable, now does it!? Britney wishes she had those cheekbones to correctly pull off this look! Watch for her to make her debut as Jigsaw’s baby mama in Saw 46 or whatever the next one is… Cheers to that, we should celebrate her success! Now, what did I do with all my candlesticks?

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Gillian Wright keeps it real about kids, crafts, organizing, and (lack of) housework at Mrs. Wright, Gone Wrong.