You have to wonder what your life is coming to when you have a reason to enter the word “turd” into an Etsy search engine.

You also have to wonder what it means when a) you get results, plural and b) one of those results is Twilight inspired turd key chains.

My favorite part of this listing, though, is definitely the creator’s description, which is almost enough to make me forgive their bad taste:

You will notice that Ed-turd is a little paler and he sparkles!

Yes.  Yes he does.

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Renee usually likes things that sparkle.

I’m beginning to think you people are making this shit to purposefully get on Craftastrophe.  This is worse than Katy Perry’s whipped cream bra.

Okay, no it isn’t.  But it’s still really fucking weird.

Do you think this is what Courtney Love had in mind when she sang, “I am…Doll Parts…”?

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Renee is at a loss for words.

Can you see it? Can you get it out for me?

Real fly leg eyelashes. I kind of want to die.

Source, WTF?

Imagery: A toothed vagina with an arm extending from it that is grasping a human heart.

Well, I’m glad you cleared that up, because I really had no idea what I was looking at.  A butt with a zipper?  Krumm for Aaahh!!! Real Monsters?  Some sort of Halloween themed nut cracker?

But now that I know it’s a vagina dentata, I totally get it.  I also totally get that you made it look “like an artifact” (see: old and crappy) on purpose, and that it’s worth all $500 that you’re charging for it.

Oh, wait, no–I mean, I totally don’t get it.  Feminist mythology my butt zipper.

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Renee doesn’t bite.

That’s a pretty good likeness of Caroline Rhea.

Oh, wait–what?

Miley Cyrus?

You are fucking kidding.

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Renee likes her jeans blue.