Craftastrophe » Christmas Puts the FUN in DysFUNctional

Ahhhhh…

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:00:06 +0000

From the listing…

This Steiff Teddy Bear image is perfect as a vintage style Christmas ornament. He looks like royalty wearing his Dresden gold crown. His body is a vintage gold glass ball ornament, his arms and legs are bumpy chenille, his decorations are pretty trims and a Dresden star.

This ornament will look great on a Christmas feather or tinsel tree.

It’s all yours! Take it away in the comments fair readers.

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Not the same, but still fun:

O Christmas Tree

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:00:23 +0000

Vintage alphabet blocks and vintage pipe cleaners (vintage pipe cleaners? really?) make for a great holiday themed tree block thing. Especially when you have Bambi’s brown star in the shot. Good job.

No really. Good job.

Christmas Scorpion approves.

{Tree source}

{Scorpion source}

Not the same, but still fun:

Santa? Caption This.

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:04:48 +0000

I have no words. Use yours.

Thanks Charlie!

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Royal Doulton Really Pulled An ‘Oops!’

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:04:34 +0000

Over Christmas, my family was invited to a lovely dinner over at my brother’s new in-law’s home. Somewhere between the main course and dessert, we were talking about Christmas decorations and my lovely sister-in-law’s mother pulled out this piece by Royal Doulton. At first glance, everything seems completely fine.

See? Totally cute.

Wait…look closer…do you see it?

Dolly honey? Do you need an asprin?

Poor thing. She can’t even hear us.

{Photo credit: my kid brother Joel}

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Christmas Vests: Bringing You the Season of Ugly

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:03:52 +0000

We’ve seen some craptastic sweaters, now it’s time for The Vests!

I don’t know that this is a vest as much as it is a sleeveless dress shirt, a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing era.

(Now I have Do you love me? stuck in my head. *link has lots of gyrating hips in it, MNSFW*)

One bit of assvice? The holly ring should meet up at the front of the shirt. I was checking to see if the buttons were done up incorrectly. (But the misaligned holly sure does make the shirt if I do say so myself.)

Poinsettias sprawled out all over your body?! Yes, please. I think the one could only have been better if those two middle ones had been evenly spaced and landed directly on the wearer’s tatas. Man or woman, doesn’t matter.

This shirt was SO much better when I first saw it. That was before I noticed the fish on the snowman’s rod, because before? The snowman was carrying a RIFLE and there were two deer? / moose? / caribou? Deemoosibou (yes, Deemoosibou) roaming outside a tiny little gnome house.

Knitted fanitastic goodness. What could I possibly say that would top a teddy bear wearing a Christmas sweater, knitted on a Christmas vest? Moving on…

If this vest doesn’t scream Redneck enough on its own, what about the wood paneling and perforated wood board? That picture only needs to be either something beer related or NASCAR to make this picture complete.

I may have just died and gone to Heaven. Is that fringe on the bottom of the vest? I believe everything on this vest is attached rather than sewn making them 3D monstrosities items of spectacular Christmassy goodness. And the twinkles? That’s not just your eyes. Those are CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Enough said. I am seriously considering contacting this seller for next year’s vest. I need it.

Nothing could make this thing any better. They’ve even included a delightful Christmas turtleneck which I sure could be included if you asked the seller nicely.

There are no words. Seriously.

{ source – eBay and all its kitschy glory }

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World’s Best Christmas Tree Topper

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:05:48 +0000

I have to admit, she is kind of fantastic. The 34 year old in me is hot for technology and the 7 year old girl in me has a soft spot for Barbie, I can’t help it.

I picked up this tree topper about five years go when I was living in Toronto, and I absolutely adore her! I think as far as tree toppers go she’s very inspiring.

Essentially she’s an upside down plastic party cup with a hole cut in the bottom and a barbie doll poked through. Her hair piece is part of an old electric razor, her wings are made out of old finishing lures, and the rest of her is adorned with pieces of scrap fabric and wire.

Thanks Nichole!

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Avoid The Horrible I-Ate-Too-Much Feeling This Christmas!

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 19:17:23 +0000

Nothing feels worse than eating too much. Gorging on Christmas dinner only to be incredibly uncomfortable while opening gifts with family. You know the feeling… pants are about ready to burst, no position is comfortable and all you can think about is sitting on the toilet for a few hours to expel the mass amounts of turkey and pie consumed.

Worse? When you have multiple Christmas meals in one day.

But fear not! You no longer need to have that bloated, OMG-I-think-i-just-might-actually-die-if-I-try-and-sit-down feeling.

You can now go to each meal fresh and ready to start again! Just give yourself The Personal Christmas Enema! The Personal Christmas Enema cannot be purchased in stores so act now and The Personal Christmas Enema is yours for only 46 payments of 124.99!

Act now and you will not only get ONE of The Personal Christmas Enema, but TWO Personal Christmas Enemas! That’s TWO for the price of ONE! And we’ll even make a payment for you! Your first payment of The Personal Christmas Enema is on us!

But wait! That’s not it!

Not only will you get TWO Personal Christmas Enemas for 46 easy payments of 124.99, your first payment will be on us, we will also send along this replica Personal Christmas Enema broach which you can wear to display your pleasure in being completely voided over the holiday season!

If you’re not satisfied with your Personal Christmas Enema, just return the items but the gift is yours to keep!

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Don’t blame me for this one, it’s her fault. Nice find Zandor!

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Have A Merry Period.

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:00:40 +0000

Ding dong merrily I’m highhhhh…

in heaven the angels are bleeding…

Um. Ew.

Tampon crafts should be outlawed.

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Best of the Worst: The Christmas Sweater Edition

sam {temptingmama} — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:40:14 +0000

Our beloved stalker extraordinaire Suebob has a contest going on (which has been extended to Decemeber 15th – so get over there!) to showcase your hideous and hilarious Christmas sweaters. Christmas sweaters always, ALWAYS make me laugh. I have a co-worker that wears a couple of the teacher-esque ones which I adore because well, she’s older and she reminds me of Mrs. Claus and that makes me happy.

I have been a victim of the bad Christmas sweaters as well. Not that I ever wore it, but it was a gift from grandma one year. A year where my teenage angst was at it’s greatest and I would sooner have burned the sweater than wear it.

So because I have been at the brunt of the bad sweater receiving, I am allowed to make fun. (Partially) My blog. My rules.

And! Before you say anything; these were made by someone, somewhere – therefore? Craft.

Behold The Christmas Sweaters!

It’s a behemoth Santa Claus! Run for your lives! He’s like the Incredible Hulk, only not green or angry. So really? He’s nothing like the Incredible Hulk except for the fact that he’s HUGE!

A more classic Pere Nole (minus the special little dots and accents because I don’t know how to do those) lost in the snow trudging along with his teenie tiny sack.

Sack. OF. TOYS. People! Please, this is Christmas we’re talking about.

*ahem*

Nothing says I hate you quite like a silk screen sweatshirt. But with a Christmas motif? Dude, get a restraining order, this person is about ready to lop your head off!

Grandma? Is that you?

How pray tell, are you expected to give someone a hug of good cheer when you have a Rudolph protruding from your chest like that dude from Alien? **use caution while clicking that link. If you’re reckless like me, then have at it!

The blue nail polish just accentuates the horrible-ness of this uggers cat theme. And, why the sash of holly and snowflakes? I don’t get it.

Sweet baby Jesus. Santa looks like he has a pecker for a nose and soggy wet toilet paper for a beard.

Am. Sold.

So, if you’re looking to buy yourself a classic Christmas sweater like these check out Ebay because there’s something like eleventy million of them for sale.

Why had I not known about Ebay when I got that damn Scotty dog sweater? *sigh*

This was so fun I am going to do another version – this time? The vest.

Oh ya, baby.

The Vest.

You’re Welcome.

{ source: Ebay, mofo }

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It’s Like Scrubbing Your Nethers With a Dirtier Bar of Soap

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 22:00:17 +0000

I am horrible at buying Christmas gifts. I read far too much into my purchasing. Are they going to like this? What if they already have one? What are they going to think when they open this? Will they think this is ugly? Seriously. I am consumed with anxiety when it comes to Christmas shopping.

Sometimes I buy soaps and shampoo gift baskets for people and then wonder if they’re going to think that I think they stink and this is my way of telling them that they should definitely shower more.

See? Anxiety.

This one? This is a safe bet that someone would be a little pissed at me.

My mom would be the perfect candidate since rodents send her into a fit of crazies. Take for instance, when I was about eight years old we had mice in our house. My mom and I came home from an outing and I was sent in first to check the traps. Seriously. It’s a true story. I’ll never forget the day I came upon a wee little field mouse with the wire trap secured tightly around his neck.

In fact. I think I just may buy this soap right now.

Merry Christmas mommy! Bwahahahaha

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