Craftastrophe » We Wish You a Merry Christmas…and Minimal Therapy

Christmas Vests: Bringing You the Season of Ugly

sam {temptingmama} — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:03:52 +0000

We’ve seen some craptastic sweaters, now it’s time for The Vests!

I don’t know that this is a vest as much as it is a sleeveless dress shirt, a la Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing era.

(Now I have Do you love me? stuck in my head. *link has lots of gyrating hips in it, MNSFW*)

One bit of assvice? The holly ring should meet up at the front of the shirt. I was checking to see if the buttons were done up incorrectly. (But the misaligned holly sure does make the shirt if I do say so myself.)

Poinsettias sprawled out all over your body?! Yes, please. I think the one could only have been better if those two middle ones had been evenly spaced and landed directly on the wearer’s tatas. Man or woman, doesn’t matter.

This shirt was SO much better when I first saw it. That was before I noticed the fish on the snowman’s rod, because before? The snowman was carrying a RIFLE and there were two deer? / moose? / caribou? Deemoosibou (yes, Deemoosibou) roaming outside a tiny little gnome house.

Knitted fanitastic goodness. What could I possibly say that would top a teddy bear wearing a Christmas sweater, knitted on a Christmas vest? Moving on…

If this vest doesn’t scream Redneck enough on its own, what about the wood paneling and perforated wood board? That picture only needs to be either something beer related or NASCAR to make this picture complete.

I may have just died and gone to Heaven. Is that fringe on the bottom of the vest? I believe everything on this vest is attached rather than sewn making them 3D monstrosities items of spectacular Christmassy goodness. And the twinkles? That’s not just your eyes. Those are CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Enough said. I am seriously considering contacting this seller for next year’s vest. I need it.

Nothing could make this thing any better. They’ve even included a delightful Christmas turtleneck which I sure could be included if you asked the seller nicely.

There are no words. Seriously.

{ source – eBay and all its kitschy glory }

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Best of the Worst: The Christmas Sweater Edition

sam {temptingmama} — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:40:14 +0000

Our beloved stalker extraordinaire Suebob has a contest going on (which has been extended to Decemeber 15th – so get over there!) to showcase your hideous and hilarious Christmas sweaters. Christmas sweaters always, ALWAYS make me laugh. I have a co-worker that wears a couple of the teacher-esque ones which I adore because well, she’s older and she reminds me of Mrs. Claus and that makes me happy.

I have been a victim of the bad Christmas sweaters as well. Not that I ever wore it, but it was a gift from grandma one year. A year where my teenage angst was at it’s greatest and I would sooner have burned the sweater than wear it.

So because I have been at the brunt of the bad sweater receiving, I am allowed to make fun. (Partially) My blog. My rules.

And! Before you say anything; these were made by someone, somewhere – therefore? Craft.

Behold The Christmas Sweaters!

It’s a behemoth Santa Claus! Run for your lives! He’s like the Incredible Hulk, only not green or angry. So really? He’s nothing like the Incredible Hulk except for the fact that he’s HUGE!

A more classic Pere Nole (minus the special little dots and accents because I don’t know how to do those) lost in the snow trudging along with his teenie tiny sack.

Sack. OF. TOYS. People! Please, this is Christmas we’re talking about.

*ahem*

Nothing says I hate you quite like a silk screen sweatshirt. But with a Christmas motif? Dude, get a restraining order, this person is about ready to lop your head off!

Grandma? Is that you?

How pray tell, are you expected to give someone a hug of good cheer when you have a Rudolph protruding from your chest like that dude from Alien? **use caution while clicking that link. If you’re reckless like me, then have at it!

The blue nail polish just accentuates the horrible-ness of this uggers cat theme. And, why the sash of holly and snowflakes? I don’t get it.

Sweet baby Jesus. Santa looks like he has a pecker for a nose and soggy wet toilet paper for a beard.

Am. Sold.

So, if you’re looking to buy yourself a classic Christmas sweater like these check out Ebay because there’s something like eleventy million of them for sale.

Why had I not known about Ebay when I got that damn Scotty dog sweater? *sigh*

This was so fun I am going to do another version – this time? The vest.

Oh ya, baby.

The Vest.

You’re Welcome.

{ source: Ebay, mofo }

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It’s Like Scrubbing Your Nethers With a Dirtier Bar of Soap

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 22:00:17 +0000

I am horrible at buying Christmas gifts. I read far too much into my purchasing. Are they going to like this? What if they already have one? What are they going to think when they open this? Will they think this is ugly? Seriously. I am consumed with anxiety when it comes to Christmas shopping.

Sometimes I buy soaps and shampoo gift baskets for people and then wonder if they’re going to think that I think they stink and this is my way of telling them that they should definitely shower more.

See? Anxiety.

This one? This is a safe bet that someone would be a little pissed at me.

My mom would be the perfect candidate since rodents send her into a fit of crazies. Take for instance, when I was about eight years old we had mice in our house. My mom and I came home from an outing and I was sent in first to check the traps. Seriously. It’s a true story. I’ll never forget the day I came upon a wee little field mouse with the wire trap secured tightly around his neck.

In fact. I think I just may buy this soap right now.

Merry Christmas mommy! Bwahahahaha

{ source }

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Bow-Chicka-Wow-Ribbit!

sam {temptingmama} — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 02:47:54 +0000

Once sunny spring day and college friend and I were driving down a side road when we came upon a ‘T’ intersection. Ahead of us were two dogs running, barking and chasing each other through the yard. I didn’t think anything of it until I glanced down the road to look for traffic, then back towards the dogs. Just as I looked back, one mounted the other and they were doin’ the dirty right there!

We couldn’t contain the laughter. Tears were streaming down our faces as we watched these two dogs get it on.

I don’t know what it is, but animals doing The Deed always make me break out in hysterics.

Kinda like these two little horny toads.

(Okay, so they’re not toads. But damn. That was funny!)

This carving of Tree Frogs shows them in amplexus, a pseudocopulation where the female frog lays eggs while the male releases sperm over them.

It’s a biology lesson to sit on your side table on beside the television. Explain that one to the children.

(Um. Obviously this person is incredibly smart or is very talented with a thesaurus because I think I woulda just called it two tree frogs – Is Sexy Time!)

And really? The only thing that makes this even better is that it’s SOLD! Someone bought it and whoever that person is? I heart so bad even though I am mildly creeped out.

Thanks Mom-O-Matic for sending this one!

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Deck the Halls with …placenta??

Karen Sugarpants — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:32:30 +0000

{source}

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You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry Or This Here Santa Will Kick You in The Eye

sam {temptingmama} — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 02:30:04 +0000

Nothing will make little children cry more than a defaced and all ’round jacked up Santa. Could you just imagine the kids waking up bright and early Christmas day to this cracked out Santa staring them down?

(Would I be evil if I laughed at that mental picture? Because I totally did.)

Smokin’ Santa is busy gettin’ ready for the big day – packing the sleigh, checking his list, supervising the elves – but at the end of the day, he’s ready to kick back with Mrs. Claus and enjoy his pipe. And Santa must be from Holland – check out his shoes!

Smokin’ Santa = AWESOME.

Totally off topic:

Why do the Dutch wear wooden shoes?

To keep the wood peckers off their heads.

Bwahahahahaha.

Now don’t be getting your panties in a bunch. My stepdad’s Dutch so I’m allowed to say that.

{ source }

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Santa Brings the Booze, Jesus Brings The LOLZ

Karen Sugarpants — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:24:08 +0000

I wish this came in a pack of 20 (for less than $3.50 a card since I’m not digging into my Christmas booze fund that deeply), because I would not hesitate to send these puppies out!

My family would totally appreciate getting these too. We drink our way through the holidays like good Irish folk do. Otherwise we simply can’t put up with each other’s Frankin-non-cense and Myrrh.

source

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Grandma got run over by a reindeer…

Karen Sugarpants — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 19:44:43 +0000

A big thankyou to Andrea for this find!

source

Not the same, but still fun:

Ornamental Christmas Angel (Also Known As The Transvestite Bedazzled Hooker)

sam {temptingmama} — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 23:35:59 +0000

Viva la Christmas Crazies! because when Christmas comes around for some reason people suddenly believe they’ve got some amazingly crafty talents. So amazing, in fact, they can create just about anything; so long as they can find something red, something with glitter, and sateen.

Not satin. Sateen.

This doll angel hot mess of a transvestite hooker appears to be wearing a unitard with a tutu a la sateen.

(Unitard is just about the BEST word ever. Unitard. Just say it over and over. It gets funnier each time. Unitard.)

Its hair shimmering in the flash of the camera, the bedazzled necklace PIERCED INTO ITS BODY.

The make up? Blush? Um. AWESOME.

I think I did my make-up like that when I snuck into my mom’s drawer when I was younger. You know you’ve done it. The transvestite hot mess of blush spots, applied with lipstick causing stains that no amount of baby wipes can remove.

I now hold a special place in my heart for this craftastrophe. This bedazzled transvestite hooker.