Sometimes babies are pretty damn ugly.

Except for mine because they are both the most gorgeous children you will ever lay eyes on. Totally serious.

And you’re not quite sure to say when you meet an ugly baby right? It’s hard to conceal the fear and disgust on your face sometimes when that wee ugly child comes into your periph.

Periph, as in peripheral vision, is totally a Dane Cook thing, and if you don’t know Dane Cook consider yourself dead to me.

Just kidding. Not you. I love you.

No. Not you either.

Of course, not you!

Where was I? Oh, right. Ugly babies.

But yours isn’t ugly. You have a cute baby.

So ya. Some ugly babies scare the bejeesus out of me.

And why is that the parents with the ugliest babies are all about pushing their “cuteness” on us unsuspecting people who fear ugly babies? Those parents are always the ones that would make something like Baby Head Salsa Bowls of their child’s profile to keep them forever.

DAAAMN. Right?

A bird body. With a baby head.

This could only be better if it were in reverse.

Then! I could call him a bird brain. Get it?! Bird. Brain.

Wait! That could work this way too I guess. Maybe. Sorta.

So when you see an ugly baby, smile; because no ugly baby is as ugly as baby headed birds.

An in an effort for full disclosure. I’ve asked for this for Mother’s Day. I sh*t you not.

I’m thinking I might place it on my desk at work… or right at my front door.

You so know that Jenny, The Bloggess is going to swoop in and take this away from me.

Thanks Alana!

{source}

Ya so my girlfriend and I were bored one night and we had just come back from her knitting club.  I was rolling up some ditchweed and she was all, “hey baby, let’s pull the slipcover off the couch and tye dye it, man! ”

(more…)

Once in high school a friend and I were rooting through The Junk Drawer in her kitchen for something which I can’t recall. There was the typical crap – shoe laces, batteries, cards, et cetera, et cetera. I lifted an old birthday / holiday / something card and beneath it? A big ol’ set of dentures.

Is it still considered a set even if it’s only a top or a bottom? Because this one only one pallet of teeth.

After I recovered from the initial shock of Teeth! in a Drawer! I about peed my pants in a fit of giggles.

Why am I telling you about this? Because these reminded me how creepy I find dentures to be

Looks like an innocent pair of dentures, right?

Looks can be deceiving because these bad boys are SOAP.

*blink*

*blink*

*stare*

*blink*

*blink*

Yes. Soap.

*blink*

*blink*

Right now, you’re totally thinking about scrubbing your body clean with a set of teeth, aren’t you?

Yup. You are. I knew it.

What if you had dentures AND denture soap.

Now, wouldn’t that suck to toss this set of chompers in your mouth by accident?

Thanks Jessica!

{source}

If you’ve been on Twitter for any length of time (as we have, *ahem* #herebeforeoprah), surely you’ve seen the love-to-hate-him Fail Whale. Well someone creative has taken to making a necklace out of him, and we couldn’t be more thrilled.

(FOLLOW US ON TWITTER!)

(more…)

I can understand having a hobby and becoming enthralled in said hobby.

As a horny preteen I was obsessive when it came to collecting the New Kids on the Block trading cards. I had all of them. Should I get a duplicate card? The overwhelming sadness would have put a high school break-up to shame.

This is no joke people.

It’s the end of life as we know it when you get a duplicate card. Ask any preteen kid that’s collecting Pokémon or Webkins or whatever-the-heck those young ones are doing these days.

Big. Deal. People.

Where was I?

Oh yes. A hobby.  Appreciate it. Embrace it.  The fact is some people, including your children, are obsessive freaks when it comes to collecting or making things.

But!

Ooooooh – there’s definitely a But! because when that obsessive need turns utterly CREEPY you get something like this:

I don’t even know what to say except… what happens when the poor tree wants to GROW! and EXPAND! and LIVE!

Is it supposed to bust outta that thing like Lou Ferrigno when he turns into The Hulk?

{source}