Growing Up Cullen: Twilight’s Edward Cullen is a 40 Year Old Miserable Housewife

edward-cullen-crochet-doll edward_earrings_pearl Dear Twilight Fans, Put the glitter down. Stop putting your body pillows in the freezer. No amount of glitter is going to turn your mom's frozen rock hard couch cushions into the Edward Cullen you are dying to lay your warm body against. Take the ice cubes outta your panties. Back away from the Twilight series. Besides, Edward? Has the exact persona of a miserable, 40 year old housewife.  I HAVE PROOF.
So last night [info]dudski was all "I greatly enjoy the implication that for decades on end, all of the Cullens spent their nights having crazy sex while Edward sat around and studied and kept on being a virgin who never whacked off." which set Kendra and I off on a flurry of semi-roleplaying wherein Edward Cullen became a pissed off 40 year old housewife. COME ON IT IS CANONICAL: HE HIMSELF SAID HE PICKED UP A LOT OF HOBBIES WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS BUSY FUCKING. EDWARD CULLEN IS A VIRGIN. AND A PRUDE. )
Read this, then read the series again. Vampire Comedy Platinum that Fucking Glitters, Dude. A Sample:
saint_renegade: CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM SCRAPBOOKING? oxymoronassoc: YEAH I CAN oxymoronassoc: ALL SPREAD OUT ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR oxymoronassoc: SUPER INTENSE saint_renegade: ~HUNTING TRIPS~ oxymoronassoc: CUTTING OUT SNOW ANGELS AND SHIT oxymoronassoc: GOING TO GET STICKERS THAT MATCHED saint_renegade: WHERE ARE MAH STICKERS!!!!! oxymoronassoc: EMMETT WOULD STEAL THEM oxymoronassoc: "LOOK AT THIS SHIT IT'S A BATHTUB STICKER? WHO THE FUCK NEEDS THAT?" saint_renegade: jasper too when he's bored oxymoronassoc: they would stick them places to annoy edward oxymoronassoc: like on his clothes before esme washed them saint_renegade: edward would get super pissy too saint_renegade: I DON'T MAKE FUN OF YOUR HOBBIES!!! oxymoronassoc: THOSE WERE MY FAVOURITE KHAKIS oxymoronassoc: I PAID $4.50 FOR THOSE STICKERS YOU DICKS saint_renegade: YOU ARE PAYING ME BACK!
Seriously, read it.  Pee first.  Everyone I know LOVED it and laughed their ass off.  My job is done. {source and source of the above shitty crafts} P.S. GO TEAM JACOB!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants on March 26, 2009 @ 10:54 pm  

9 Responses to “Growing Up Cullen: Twilight’s Edward Cullen is a 40 Year Old Miserable Housewife”

  1. Lotta (64 comments.) Says:

    “Stop putting your body pillows in the freezer” It’s like you KNOW me.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Part II – Button Button Who’s Got The Buttons?

  2. Deb on the Rocks (61 comments.) Says:

    Take the ice cubes out of your panties = awesome! That sums up this entire recent Twilight era

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Kids, no need for pants, we’re going to Disney!

  3. Susie Says:

    Twilight rocks, love this movie, and the whole series.

  4. Court Says:

    Aw, come on now. I admit, I’ve seen some interesting Twilight crafts, but this really isn’t bad at all.

    In fact, I think the keychain is pretty badass. And the earrings…well, I don’t think I’d want RPattz’s face dangling from my ears, but the execution was done well!

  5. Miss Reglisse (1 comments.) Says:

    Thank you so much, I haven’t laughed like this in a very long time. The best part is that it fits the characters like a (dish) glove.

  6. Taylor Blue (91 comments.) Says:

    I could put my body pillows in the freezer? OMG that is a great idea. Now, I can have my own personal Edward.

    Taylor Blue’s last blog post..Gossip Girl Spoilers Season 2 Episode 21: Seder Anything Preview

  7. Erin Cantu Says:

    this is stupid as fuck and not funny at all.. i love edward and all the other characters too

    Karen Sugarpants Reply:


  8. Bree Says:

    I have now been cured of my Robert Patterson fascination… LOL.

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